lets get it started

alright woman

vacation's over

time to get ur butt up, wipe your tears and get this shifting started.

challenge for the day :

pack up another quarter of my room.

alone or not, you've got work to do.

now move it!

ps: what's with the gloomy depressing winter lookalike 17 degrees in adelaide at like 9.30 am

seriously

it should be sunny, with birds chirping to welcome me home for my very last 10 days in adelaide!

and another ps: some ppl are just !@*(&#!(@^$!^@%

*****

this is it,
Shaleeni is on the 8.30am bus from Adelaide to Port Augusta on the 9th of January 2009.

*******

i'm pretty sure the question on everyone's mind right now is:

where's andrew?

andrew's gone back to Brisbane to spend the new year and the last couple of days with his cousin.

so i'd just like to use up a little space in this post to appreciate a good friend of mine, who made me cry buckets at the airport when he left me in this dry land.
not once, but TWICE.
yes, i did tell myself not to, but why struggle to hide emotions when they're genuine?
its perfectly normal to feel the loss when someone leaves you, isn't it?


good memories, young man.

you've made an impact on my life, and for that i thank you.

i hope i've done your trip justice.

if i have not, i sincerely apologise.

get home safe.

i'm sure your family misses you.

when the heart decides to speak..

so i turned on my old phone today

and started scrolling through old messages which i had not deleted since the last time i used it

dated roughly 2 years ago, before i left for Adelaide.

such warmth.

packed with sincerity, love and care.

no bitterness, no barriers, no hatred.

no jealousy, no ego, no lies.

full of encouragement and assurance.

i can still recall u reassuring me one night that we'd never grow apart despite the distance or circumstances.

and we worked hard on it.

we danced through every season together, hand in hand.

but after these 2 and a half weeks,

i'm starting to get the vibes that over the years,

unfortunately, we indeed have grown apart.

we're just dry. cold. brittle.

arrogance and ego reign.

love has been locked up and put away.

secrets and tales corrupt and threaten to rob the relationship of its innocence and trust.

miserable, indeed.

i used to believe u'd always walk this journey with me.

now i doubt if you'd prefer the option of walking away..

i've lost the sense of security in you, my friend.

i keep telling myself that its there,

but despite the trying,

i just don't feel it anymore.

and as the music haunts this new season and phase in life,

i reach out, wanting to dance with you once more,

only to find that maybe i should start to learn to dance on my own this time..

i miss you.
the you i got drawn to care for.

i miss us.
us being the great inseparable pair of buddies who used to bring immense joy to each other's lives.

can we be restored?

am i doing something wrong?

shaleeni is...

alive and well

having her well deserved vacation

heading back down to adelaide on the 15th

heh

lazy to write

will post some pics soon

bye all

*blows kisses*

12 hours

hello all

shaleeni leaves Malaysia tonight

i'll miss u.

already am.

lets not grow apart, shall we.

i love u all.

uproot.

i forgot that i was in the process of pulling everything out from the roots.

Instead i've strayed away and been feeding, nurturing and watching it grow.

and as it lives and gets sturdier, day by day i die a little more on the inside.

is realising this 1 day before i head off on my own again a little too late?

i think it is.

i'm stepping into the wrong battlefield.
this battle should not be mine to fight.
i need to leave.
coz there are some things in life not worth fighting against which we just need to run from.

i look ahead and all i see is pain.
then why do i still want to go there?

is it that hard to act on a decision that will save your soul from rejection and hurt?

uproot it Shaleen.
just do it.
please.
It'll only hurt for a while.

reluctance

Today i remembered how blessed i am to live in peace.

No living in fear every moment of the day, wondering what my next step would bring me into.

No playing with my mother without knowing that i might never see her again the moment i take my eyes of her.

No watching people killed and tortured in front of my very own eyes.

No need to hide away in hidden dungeons to try to live just for another day.

No looking at the table to find no food on it, that is, if there even is a table.

No walking barefooted on the burning grounds which sting my tender feet.

No constant running from enemies which are unseen.

I cannot bear imagining the agony.

What can i do with these humble hands to help these people.

What can i do with the knowledge and skills i've yet to master.

What can i do with so much more to equip and prepare myself with.

i don't know.

i helplessly don't know at this point..

Heavenly Father, i pray for Your people.

You've given me the heart,

and my one desire is to give it ALL back to You.

use me in Your time, i will follow.

the last 4 days

so much to do with so little time

i can't believe i'm going back there in 4 days!

Only God knows when i'll get to come back next.

I've even only bought a one way ticket this time.

urgh

even the thought of it makes me sick in the stomach.

well, there's no turning back i guess..

and like it or not,

the truth is that the moment i get my PR,

there's no way i'm gonna be settling down here in Malaysia in the next 5 years or so at least.

five.

such a harsh number.

will i ever lose my affection towards home like many others do after a certain number of years in a foreign country?

what if i do?

********

step by step Shaleen.

lets get through this phase first.

*******

ps: pharmers, i've FINALLY dyed my hair. and i'm hating it. heh.

great days are made of these..

breakfast with a feast of juicy mangoes plucked fresh from the tree in my garden

chasing and catching grasshoppers

playing with touch-me-not's and watching them shut with each gentle touch

Robin Koh's breakfast call

Andrew Chan's very exciting bank adventure

another session of productive shopping for aussie aussie aussie

the great company of Ng Ke Xin and mr Jon Koh

bowling where i did a personal best of 144 points
(i've never been a decent bowler)

prune and honey bubble tea and Macca's fries (with LOADS of sauce)

a 100m sprint home thanks to very upset Klang street dogs

My attempt for an extreme makeover with mummy's help which didn't turn out right

4 hours bickering and wrestling with Matthew Lee

Mi goreng, satay and sirap limau ais

and the thought of spending tomorrow with Matt, Rob and a surprise meet up with THANU!

Ahhhhhhhhhh

how blessed am i?

like totally.

i'm so glad i'm done with all the shopping for things to bring back to aussie

my pocket is dry, like seriously dry

today marks the end of spending

boy, am i glad.

i foresee tonnes of eating for the next few days.

sorry Andrew Chan, no hot skinny bikini babe walking next to u on our vacation la huh.
i cannot resist the food.


i love my life in Klang.
do i really have to go back to Australia next week?

1. earphones
2. blouse
3. bikini
4. reebok trainers
5. heaps of hair clips
6. undies

all at bargains!
ok maybe except the earphones.

productive shopping is TIRING.

why am i feeling so exhausted!?

next on my shopping list:

1. socks
2. international adapters
3. more tops
4. face sunblock
5. medicines and first aid
6. hat
7. beach thongs

kiss my hard earnt money goodbye.
but better buy it here while its cheaper!

good morning world

the time now is 1.34 pm,
and Shaleeni Jayamani just woke up from her 2nd block of sleep for the day

haha

got up at 7 this morning to a teddy bear in my face.
was from my sister.
aww.
OMG I'M LEAVING HOME AGAIN IN A WEEK.
here comes the turmoil of emotions.

had a massive tummy ache the moment i woke up,
and ended up sleeping on the sofa for another 5 hours.
talk about exhaustion.

now i feel even more tired from all the sleeping!
nasty!!
should get my lazy bum up and do some dangdut!
*wiggles butt*

*******

last night's outing with the St John girls from school was GREAAATT!
met Jinn, Sue-Li, See Ting,Wen Dee, Chin Yong and Juli who came back from NZ.
just like old times in school.
so sad that once upon a time we used to do everyday together,
now its just a couple of hours every 6 months.
everyone still looks the same,
and the chemistry has not changed either.
awesome.

********

and so 8 of us went cycling yesterday at bukit cahaya.
There was Tina, Soo, Ke Xin, and Sean,
as well as Hui Xin and Hui Ling,
plus Nath who was under my care for the day. haha

cycling was a blast.
loved working those flabby thighs uphill.
and surprisingly, although they're disgustingly flabby and wobbly now compared to the training days,
they're still pretty strong!
i managed to power uphill, ahead of hui xin and hui ling who are still training!
even hui xin was like "woi u gila one ah! nv train still stamina like horse!"

LOL!
must admit i was pleased!
such a boost!
i REALLY should do something to up my fitness level,
and hopefully at the same time slim down tonnes more next year.
i just hope working full time and studying at the same time won't hinder me from doing that.

*******

today is gonna be spent studying
been having these massive allergy strikes out of the blue begining last night
even now, my eyes are all wattery and i'm scratching my whole face as tho there are bugs crawling beneath my skin.
Thank God for the people who discovered antihistamines.
i'd be scratching my face all day if not for them.

alright time to start work!
goodbye lovelies.

mia and roger wang's showcase was phenomenal

i wouldn't mind being Roger Wang's maid if i could hear him play the guitar like that everyday

hahaha

and what a small world,

mia's flying to the Gold Coast on the same flight as i will be on the 8th of Dec.

haha.

*******
yesterday was a real testimony of the power of prayer.

i need to change the habit of only realising that God is out there for me only when things are going great.

i need to KNOW that even when things are going downhill,

God is already ahead of me fixing up the solution.

I need to understand that.

and I will keep praying.

I won't give up.

I will persevere.

*******

cycling time!

weeee!

what a storm outside.

Thank God daddy came home safely despite the rain and floods.

i pray that my sister will be back safely too.

***

time to start packing.

what a productive day!

excellent :D

spent the evening with ke xin and rob doing shopping

didn't manage to get much for myself though

just over a week left!

i need to work harder on my IELTS prep.

going slow, but going great.

*******

i think i'm putting on weight

again.

i feel like a bloated watermelon.

how laaaaaa.

such volatile weight.

*******

not in the writing or thinking mood.

too many things to do.

so just writing down the first things that come to my mind without putting much thought into it.

the 3rd years will have their final paper on Saturday,
i hope they're studying well.

preparation for Andrew's trip isn't going too great.
but i'm sure we'll pull through over the next week.

going for Mia's concert tmrw,
the dress code is the 60's
and i have NOTHING 60's in my wardrobe.
lets see what i can dig out of mummy's wardrobe.
ahahha.

*******

i'm so so so so sleepy! and its only 8pm!
i think my head is still clocked according to adelaide's time.
haha

such a happy day, compared to yesterday.

forgiving someone and letting go of grudges does bring forth effortless joy.
hm.
yay
i feel good
so good :)

did i swallow a grenade?

shaleeni jayamani has only one thing to get off her chest now:

i could not be bothered anymore.

at least for tonight.

maybe my largely forgiving heart will talk that tiny angry portion out of feeling this way.

but for now,

*exhales*

can anyone sense how sorry i feel for myself?

urgh

really not worth my time and effort!
why do i even bother!!!!!?????

i woke up to daddy screaming and banging on the gate after his morning walk with tyrande in his arms

tyrande (the new tyrande) had the same fate as his mum patches

yet another road kill

it really pays to live on the main road, especially when u have stubborn, kaypoh and curious cats

one dash out to the main road, and its goodbye

5 cats under our care have died over the past 2 years

are my parents doing something wrong?

i don't think so.

it just happens. unfortunately.

*******

otherwise,

today was a great day

got lots of things done.

********

been spending lots of my hard earned money on households for the family

although i'm only forking out pennies in comparison to the thousands my parents have forked out for me

i must say that contributing financially to the family feels GREAT

and i love it

i'm sure many of you can relate to what i'm saying.

:)

i feel like a big girl in the family, finally.

********

i can't believe tomorrow is already Thursday!!!

gotta appreciate and make the most of the few days i have left here in the comfort of home.

my 2nd week back home begins today

spent most of the day in coll helping my sis and meeting familiar faces

had a good time at lunch with my brother for life, mr Jon Koh

after 4 months, he has not changed a bit,

still as good looking, lame, hilarious, and late as ever.

today's chat over lunch i believe has launched the friendship into a whole new "dimension".

Thank God for good friends.

*********

still haven't decided whether i should live on my own next year

i need to decide, fast.

********

had another spoon from the bitter bowl of reality.

oh boy, it hurt. bad.

********

ironically when i'm trying not to rmbr Ridzuan at the sight of every corner in Klang and Subang,

out of the blue he decides to be extraordinarily nice to me.

i must admit, i am pleased.

********

ps: i miss u so much Marabelle Heng :(

the 27th National Inter-Club Swimming Championship 2008
for the Presiden's Cup

9 events

1215 athletes from all across Malaysia

ranging from record smashing swimmers to swimmers who literally pee in their seat due to nervousness

love the scene

reluctantly disqualified 8 swimmers though on my lane over the 3 days

***

Matthew is having his exam this week
5 papers over 5 days begining today

yet he chooses to swim for the meet
and smashes his personal best for his pet 50 breast event

got me thinking
like wow, he still picks his sport over his studies.

i chose my game throughout the schooling days
exams or not, i played.
the exams could always wait.

but 3 years ago i had to make that choice,
my only and last shot sukma, or pharmacy

and i chose pharmacy
and here i am now winging about how much i miss the scene and that life is miserable with the books.

but if i had chosen sukma,
would i be where i am now?
one result away from a graduate pharmacist?

hm
interesting

but sigh
i still wish i had a shot at sukma
too late, i'm 22!
no more sukma's for me!

kena bomb

"what's the point of a blog for people to read when 100% of the time, they have no idea what the post is talking about?"

'i'm gonna stop reading one day in frustration"

"then u dun complain i dun read ur blog"

********

sob

i should stop emo-ing on my blog

i nv meant to frustrate people who genuinely care

i cannot believe what i saw with my own eyes and heard with my own ears today

*shakes head in disbelief*

this cannot be happening

i don't want this to be happening

i feel so strangled

so suffocated

all this while it was just a fairytale, a myth i heard of and saw from another land

now i see it right before me

its so real

its just too real

maybe i really am better off staying in Australia

just leave everything and everyone here behind

and start over

2nd day back home

how fun is netball

especially when ur old teammates rock up without telling u

went to help mum coach this lousy team for their netball match in 3 weeks time

mum was supposed to drill the attacking side,
i was meant to take the defence.

next thing i know,
i'm laughing my brain off flying all over the court with my old teammates.


AWESOMEEEEEEE

the team we were training were pretty disastrous though,
i got bashed and beaten up pretty badly.
the pains of being a defender.
smack smack smack.
ouch.

so good to be home
back the the real shaleeni,
who does sports, sings, bangs the piano daily.

2 and a half weeks left
gotta make full use of it
maybe i really should go for the AIDS awareness event next week although i've marked it in my diary all year

decisions, decision.


Matthew's got 2 events tmrw
the 100 fly and his pet event, the 100 breast

this time i cannot go screaming his name at the top of my lungs each time his head breaches the surface of the water
just gotta cheer him on silently from where i am

i hope he scores some points tmrw

since i got home last night..
i have:

1. unpacked ALL my luggage etc
2. thrilled mummy with all the goodies i bought
3. visited lots of people at college
4. made tiramisu with shireen and wee han
5. read a tiny bit of my ielts book
6. cleaned heaps of cat shit *sigh*
7. eaten roti telur, mi hun kueh and mummy's nasi lemak
8. received undying love and attention from matt *heart*

not exactly productive in terms of the work i need to kau tim before i go back to adelaide

tmrw needs to be more productive
don't have much time.

the time now is 5.38am
my table, mess, notes, papers, scrap spread all over.
my luggage, almost fully prepared.
my stomach, hurts so badly, making funny noises.

trust the tummy to throw a tantrum at you 3 hours before your paper really.

ouch.
this is it.
i'm almost at the end of this journey.

Peace

thank you Jesus

i'm not ready for this goodbye

2 days from my exam

how am i meant to study when everything looks blur through the tears

Your eyes are full,
full of the future of us
The air changes as you look across
at me in that wondering way

It is as if
I knew you before we spoke
Do our hearts know something we don't?
Conspiring, converging
without giving us any say

You sing me to sleep,
talk down my walls
Look through my windows as I wait
You could be the thief
I give the key to

You're ruining me
with secrets and gestures and looks
With sonnets and second-hand books
Playing the chords in me
nobody knew how to play

You sing me to sleep,
talk down my walls
Look through my windows as I wait
You could be the thief
I give the key to

It fits in your hand like the water in rain
It unlocks our two different selves
and shows we are the same
Rather than wait 'til I
put me out for the taking
You're breaking
You're breaking into my heart
and I'm letting you

Your eyes are full,
full of the future of us

~Brooke Fraser

Sometimes i wish you'd just stay away from me.
Because through my eyes, i see no future.

Would someone please help snip the string off.
and hold my hand as I watch my balloon drift off in the wind.
Try as I may, I can't seem to pry my fingers from the string on my own.
I'm clinging on too tightly.
I'm too afraid to let you go.

to live with a boy next year in a 2 bedroom house... (shakes head in disagreement)


or to live on my own in a studio apartment ( and pay a whole lot more)


decisions.

i don't like living with boys!
(unless of course, they have the star qualities my daddy has)
i never have,
and never want to
until i get married to the one who effortlessly steals my very well guarded heart away.


i finally managed to get a good 7 hour block of sleep last night.

here's to another day of studying till 1 am at uni.

so i met Sarah and this is what she said:

the first thing i thought of when you told me you were going to Port Augusta was,

"This Shaleeni must be looking for what she can go and join and do over there now"

bwahahahahha

trust 5 years of die hard friendship to be able to predict my actions so well.

maybe Wee Li is right,

i am TERRIBLY predictable.

nyeheheh.

ps: never have a large mocha chilla on the first day of your menstrual cycle.

You're bound to expect avoidable unpleasant "side effects"

ouch ouch

who says God never answers prayers.

This week i hit rock bottom.

I had just received a job offer in Darwin the day before and was terribly confused on whether i should accept the offer or not.

Knowing that i had another interview today, i kept my options open, although today's interview would be for two rural towns- Whyalla in South Australia, and Broken Hill in New South Wales.

If i had to choose i'd choose Darwin.

On top of that my heart was not right.

I was struggling with relationship issues, demanading decisions and actions that would would cause a major conflict,

and possibble the loss of a loved one,

but which would save me from drowning any further if only i was brave enough make my stand.

I felt pressured.

Pressured to do what was right to save myself from the agony i was leading myself into.

At the same time i feared the world.

I felt vulnerable.

I felt so unprotected.

Being brought up and nurtured in a loving environment,

my parents made every effort to protect me from worldly things.

Although i did not grow up in a Christian family,

I was brought up to know what was right and what was not.

but because of my inquisity over the past half of a decade of my life,

i find myself wading into dark waters,

discovering and poking my way into the dark ends of this world today,

the ends which mum and dad tried so hard to protect me from.

And the things i see... how painful...

the world today is so broken..

i find myself being dragged into this brokenness.

dragged along emotionally unwillingly.

too much to have on my mind in the midst of preparation for my exam on Tuesday.

so i decided to take the whole evening off studying.

I spent my midnight driving Andrew up the wall.

Earlier on i went bananas with Ern Chee over dinner,

right after dinner i burst into fountains of tears with Marabelle.

Yes, terribly unstable.

i found myself waking up at 6 am this morning, with merely 3 hours of sleep.

my phone was dead over the hours of crying with Belle.

I woke up anxious. Stressed. Hurt. Confused. Lonely.

Failed to regain any sleep for the next half an hour.

Through the tears i felt prompted to pray.

and so i did.

Out loud on the top of my lungs voice and body all shaky,

i prayed.

and prayed.

and prayed.

3 hours later,

I get another offer.

not even something i expected.

I'm going to Port Augusta.

a very busy community pharmacy which caters to a lot of mental health patients.

spoke to Helen, my preceptor/mentor,

and she's bubbly,

so bubbly.

now i know understand why the human resource manager said that i'd fit in very well in port Augusta.

My parents are relieved.

I didn't know they were so worried about me.

Hallelujah.

Finally,

its been an 8 month long battle.

All Glory to God.

why, u wonder?

coz sometimes i do get tired of always coming in 2nd on ur list...

i "killed" snip.

i smacked him with the door by accident, and snapped off 2 of his legs

:(

i'm glad he's still alive.

he's very very very scared though..

my poor baby :( :( :(

***********

Michael called from Phillip Island

after looking through all the applications on Saturday,

They decided to give it to someone else.

I must say they're excellent people.

They keep to their word and they're really polite and kind.

**************

Got an interview on Wednesday for a position either in Whyalla or Broken Hill.

*************

Nationals has started calling people for interviews,

people who they have not interviewed before.

no idea what that means,

but we'll see how it goes.

*************

Got a free bus ride today.

Saved me 2.10 for the day.

I reckon it was the pretty dress i was wearing.

I realise that people are extremely nice to me when i put on a dress and slap on subtle bits of make up.

***********

Pigged on half a bag of sweet chilly and sour cream doritos.

well done Shaleeni.

I'm so gonna regret it when i see my tummy in the mirror.

***************

the night is gonna be spent studying late since i can't sleep even when i send myself to bed relatively early.

just because another attempt failed does not mean i need to sit and sob about it.

move on.

dig another well.

I'm growing through this painful journey and experience.

No regrets.

dear oestrogens,

i've spent the whole day battling you.

One minute i'd be on the winning end,

Before i know it, you regain control again,

Even last night, u kept me awake all through the night.

I've wasted 3/4 of my day trying to take you down,

Barely finished half of my study plan for the day,

You drain all the energy out of me,

You make me think of and miss my loved ones every second of the day,

You make me think that the world is coming to an end,

You magnify my struggles in my head,

You even tempt me into eating the chocs and goodies i bought to bring home for mummy.

Why are you such a meanie?

Don't you realise i have an exam in a week?

I feel so miserable and weepy.

Most of the time i can usually show you who's boss,

but i guess November's championship trophy goes to you.

You win.

There you go.

What you waiting for?

Take it!

All yours!!

You happy now?

Stop chuckling at me!!!

pfft.

I'll go sob in my pillow now.

HEARTBREEEAKKKEEERRR!!!!!

hahaha i cannot forget the journey to eyre peninsula
where wee li was screaming this song at the top of his lungs
with one hand on the streering wheel and another swinging all over the place gesturing the lyrics of the song
and head bobbing and rocking aggressively in tune with the beat
all at 150km per hour

and lynn at the back :
i'm very scareddddd
i better not ever break his heart!!


haaaa
good times


ROFL

Noel Allen Pharmacies group says...

Dear Shaleeni,

We have two positions available - one is in Whyalla and the other is in
Broken Hill. if you are prepared to relocate to either of these places
and then stay on for 2 years afterwards please let me know and I will
make a time to meet with you.

*************

a 3 year contract if i take the job.

3 more years in Australia!
in retail pharmacy!?
that's the last thing i want!
should i meet her?

oh dear.
massive decisions to make in such a short period of time.

Phillip Island Pharmacy, Victoria is gonna call me back on Monday to tell me the verdict of my application.

Father God, teach me each step of the way.

If it hurts me to see what's happening in the world today,
i couldn't help but wonder how much more would God hurt then?

who else can i turn to if not to the Sovereign God who created the heavens and earth?

Everything You hold in Your hands,
still You make time to assure me that things are going to be alright,
such love is just too great to comprehend.

Heavenly Father, i fear the possibility of the changes that will happen in the near future.
I pray for the nation.
I pray for Your people.
Let Your will be done here on earth as is in heaven.
amidst all this,
I'm on my knees.
Grant me peace knowing that You hold the universe in Your hands.

i feel.. a lil lonely..

packing is going great.
but i still have a feeling that i'm missing something..

i feel like i'm not growing.
everything just feels stagnant now.
dry.
distant.
i should seek more,
because i know when i seek with all my heart,
i WILL find.

today i began to talk myself into worrying again.
if there is one thing i'd like to overcome for now,
it has to be accepting and understanding that it is not unusual to not be worried when something is not right.
sometimes i deliberately make myself worry because it just does not make sense if i don't feel worried despite the severity of the situation i am in.
some people say that if you're not worried about anything, its just because you just have this "tadak apa" attitude,
so basically if nothing matters, there's nothing to worry about!

but i believe worrying is not the way to go because God has already won the victory for us.
Our future is secure and there are so many promises in our future which we are yet to see and grasp.

so i don't have a job yet.
my exams are in two weeks.
i have relationships which are on the rocks.
i don't know what or where i will be in the next couple of months.

don't i have every reason to worry?

“Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus” Phillipans 4: 6-7

no i don't.
note to self : so stop talking yourself into worrying when you KNOW you don't have to!

i know that there are promises and blessings in my future with my name already carved on it.
Blessings beyond my greatest dreams and imaginations.
i just need to reach out, and grab.
Keep going Shaleen.
You're getting to your promise land.

how interesting..

i was packing my documents for my flight back home
and i decided to flip through my passport
and interestingly i noticed that i left adelaide on the 18th of november last year as well
wow
i'm absolutely amused

PP test tmrw at 2

all i need to do is:

1. pray and surrender it to God
2. think
3. ask lots and lots and lots and lots of questions
4. think
5. work out the best recommendations and treatment options for the patient.
6. think
7. speak slowly and confidently.
8. think
9. talk the the patient, not the blackboard.
10. THINK



i just need to use my head and be calm.
i can do this.
i'm prepared.

Heavenly Father, whatever the outcome will be, i will continue to praise Your name.



ps: accomplishment of the day : i swallowed a durian cake, and found it pretty pleasant tasting.
my taste buds are maturing as i age, getting less picky.
*pats self on the back*
now to try to swallow sushi.......
we'll make that the target to achieve by the time i'm 23..

and so i wasted 2.5 hours of my life on msn last night
just woke up,
got my good dose of sleep.
had lots and lots of dreams.
been dreaming lots of short little dreams over the past week almost every night.
but i've been sleeping well too.
no bouts of sleeplessness,
no waking up in the middle of the night.
just that i'll automatically wake up at 6.30,
but heh since i slept late.. 6.30 is wayyyyy to early to get up huh.

i feel very refreshed today.
heading off to the library once more to study.
still not very prepared for tmrw's test although i started studying from like last week..
gotta work it today.

note to self: i need to pack!

45 minutes after the MM test

i'm relieved
it wasn't terribly bad
for once i feel like i'm not gonna fail it

but it was bad in terms of time
before we started we were told not to stress about time because 2 hours was more than enough to complete the paper

30 minutes left and i still had half the paper to write
towards the last 15 minutes my hand was hurting so badly that my pen kept slipping out of my grip.
My pollicis muscles are killing me, even until now it aches.
i really should ice it.
it even looks a lil swollen.

when i came out, Daniel who was sitting next to me was like :
"sure pain la u write until so ganas!"

LOL
no choice laaaa
my writing was disgusting from the begining to the end
towards the end i could barely control the pen to the extent that i had to cancel and rewrite so many words coz they looked like just a line...

owh well,
one down for the week.
one more to go.

since i'm barely on msn now,
i'll just update u on what i'll be up to each day.
at least you won't feel like i'm miles away if u know what i'm busy with.

today :

1.30 - lunch
2.00 - prepare dinner for housemates and Jolene
(nasi lemak. need a treat)
3.00 - swim
5.00 - head down to City East Library
5.30 - 7 - study at City East Library
7-7.45 - dinner break at Jolene's
7.45 - head down to City West Library
8 - midnight - study at City West Library
midnight - uni escort drops us home

alright,
gonna eat and cook now.

missing all of you.
but the books need me for now,
more like i need to books.
sigh.
*muacks*

gah! forgot to bring the freddo to change at woolies!
must rmbr to bring it when i head down to the city later at 5.

1 hour to the MM test...

i don't know what to expect.

did not manage to study up everything from last year's therapeutics

there's no way i can finish studying a 2 year syllabus in less than 8 weeks, really.

but whatever i managed to revise, i know it reasonably well, so that feels good.

for the others which i have not managed to revise,
i just gotta sit and use double brain energy,
and THINK THINK THINK.

this test is freaky.
lets go get it done and over with.

shopping

and so jolene and i headed down to woolies today to buy chocs


and we walked out with $24 worth of cadbury chocs EACH

what were we thinking!

just could not resist the bargain!

mummy's gonna kill me,
but she'll love me while she digs her teeth into all the yummy calories during her stressful exam moments in December.


yes!
6 massive 250g blocks and 2 share packs.
and yes ng ke xin, if ur wondering,
the freddo is yours.
but i bought wrong one laaaa, need to go change it tmrw.
and NO matthew, NOTHING is for you.
:P


no chocs for me!
i have another 8-ish kilos to lose before i feel "normal" again.
jolene has overfed me today.
i should stay away from her.
*runs off secretly*

i cannot stop thinking of food.

i'm craving for rojak.

and satay.

and murtabak.

and and and.... ondeh ondeh..

and OMGG CENDOOLLL!!!

ICEE KACANGGG!!!

LOH MAI KAI!!

REALITY CHECK:

i need to study.

no time for food thoughts.

study.

STUDYYYY.

ps : if that's the case then maybe i should be upset more often, then i'll be effortlessly skinny and hot.
hmmmmmm.
tempting option hahaha.



and oh shermayne, u know me so well.
but no larrrr i din merajuk la.....
just to show off to the world this awesome "threesome" we have in 3 different countries.
you should have been born in october also la miss chan.
live apart, but never grow apart.
goodbye for now, but not goodbye forever.. remember?

today someone gave me a word of "advice" saying that:

if i talked less, i might just get a man.

unfortunately,
i don't see why i need to stress over transforming into this sweet girl just so that every creature with a Y-chromosome falls and worships at my feet.

God says i'm beautiful, and i'm PERFECT in His eyes.
nothing else matters, nothing shakes my foundation.
the man who deserves me will appreciate and love me, talkative and all.

ARGHHH!!!!!!!!!!!

Oh gosh i want to cry.
sigh.

my little boy is turning 20

how on earth did u turn 20 boy?
gee ur old

well, u'll alwz be the little boy who ran up to me just to sit on big(literally) che che's lap on the long long journey to Penang in 1999

happy bday, love.

*kisses cheek*

don't u DARE sit on my lap now arrrr,
I'LL KILL YOU!

2.5 weeks to go, u better be at my doorstep the moment i reach home.

my msn went bananas on me

i lost my contacts for a while

and now i'm getting these " so and so wants to be added to ur list " thingys which u get only when someone new adds you, but i'm getting it from all the ppl which i already hv on my list

eh? pelik betul

not that i have many ppl on my list..
but still, this is wierd

today i stepped out if my comfort zone.

i never thought i'd do this but i did.

afraid, ashamed and hesitant as i was, i asked for help.

i got counseling.

it was good getting input from someone much wiser and more experienced.

the things she told me, she had me so figured out.

the way she mapped out my emotions, and effortlessly painted out the pains that were in my heart.

but even with her, i found it hard to open up.

she told me frankly that she knew i was not being totally honest emotionally and that with such a burden on my heart, i was still holding back.

i guess she was right.

i was close to tears at many points of the session, but she was right, i held back.

how hard is it to do the things you need to do to help yourself.

i feel so helpless and resistant to this change.

but i cannot keep denying that i'm drowning.

i'm struggling, i really am.

but i know better days are lying ahead.

red cross has accepted me into both the teams

gotta wait for a suitable time to do trainings for now

i still need to get affiliated with the St John Ambulance in regards to first aid though

i'll work on that a little later

3 weeks

3 weeks belle till we part
you have no idea how much i'm dreading it
you're the friend who has managed to dig out even the deepest and darkest secrets i've hidden from the world
you hold me each time i break down and cry
you go out of your way to help me without expecting anything in return
you never take me for granted
you appreciate all that i do for you
you never do anything to hurt me
you care, u really do

i never thought i'd find a true friend in you back then
but i did
and i'm really sad that one year was all we had together

i've never found a closer friend.
i've always felt secure with you.
thank you for your assuring friendship.
it feels good confidently knowing that you love me as much as i love you.

i miss you already

:'(

i dread doing adelaide without you next year

swimming 101

if you're attempting to do lap swimming,
and you've never done it before,
here are some tips to save urself and the others around you some physical damage.

1. lap swimming is done in a circuit
- you go out on the left, turn at the middle of the wall, and come back in on the right of the lane

2. make way for incoming swimmers if you're resting at the wall

3. stick to your side of the lane,
the lane is wide enough to accommodate two swimmers in opposite directions

4. never never attempt to swap lanes abruptly to make way when u see the swimmer in front of you making a turn
-you'll cause a massive collisions, just stick to your lane

******

i got kicked in the face (hard) and rammed into by 2 other swimmers today
obviously they were relatively new to lap swimming.
pulled off a 2km effort at the pool.
well done to me.
terribly unfit, i cramped at an attempt to do a sprint as well.
ouch, miss cramps.
good excuse to escape a few torturous sprints back in the good old training days.
hahaha.
2.1 km on the next swim.

feeling awfully glum now.
rejection hurts.
good for studying tho i must say.
don't feel like talking to anyone.
just mind my own business, shut every msn window and read lecture after lecture.
lonely, yes, but oh well,
all in all i need to study for this paper.

paramedic/nurse in the making

red cross called to remind me of my interview tmrw

for those who don't know yet,
i'm being interviewed to see if i'm a suitable addition to the two teams below:

1. community carers
this is a team which works with isolated populations
eg: mental health patients, homeless, victims of abuse
it also works with drug and alcohol services in australia ( in which pharmacists are heavily involved in)
if you know me well enough, you'd know i LOVE the so called "junkies"

3. Save-a-mate
this team on the other hand is largely focused on providing first aid and helping in emergency situations.

ow yeah

i can barely wait

somehow i've never felt this passionate about pharmacy.
and i always thought i'd be fine with it as long as i set my mind to it.

mum and dad feel bad that i'm feeling what i'm feeling now, but its really not their fault.
it was the best option we could afford back then.
they wanted what's best for me,
and i am 100% appreciative of their support all this while

its not like i'm gonna give up pharmacy as a whole anyway,
i'm still gonna be a pharmacist,
just that i'll have other qualifications and skills on top of that in future.
and the 4 years of pharmacy knowledge and training is ESSENTIAL in any form of health science practice, so its not a waste at all.
drugs kill too many ppl when they're intended to treat.
so a good knowledge around the benefits vs risks of drugs is never a waste.

spoke to belle about my interview
and she thinks i'll do great :)

she's also the only one so far who actually sees a nurse in me.
too many ppl have "smirked" at the thought of clumsy barbaric unfeminine shaleeni being a gentle nurse.
its either she's seeing things wrongly,
or she's the only one who has really seen beyond the though walls around me and looked straight into my heart.

and she agrees too that she can see me being a great nurse or paramedic.
and that i'll be happier doing those instead of chasing drug related problems as a pharmacist,
or running room to room filling in case notes after case notes,ordering tests and prescribing drugs as a doctor.
no offense to docs and pharmacists, you're amazing,
but they're just fields which i feel do not utilize my personality and characteristics to its maximum potential.

hearing her say that made me a lil more confident that i'm not being 100% insensible with the dreams on my heart.
it just feels good to have someone who actually genuinely sees you living your dream.

plus,this dream did not come from nowhere.
i believe God put it on my heart after constant prayers for direction
and i'm starting to see that the difficult and often painful journey He's brought me through all these years,
and all the hardships i've faced is all part of His plan to nurture me towards becoming who He wants me to be,
and this dream of being someone who is willing to stretch an arm out to care and love those in need, and those who are broken, is being carved out day by day.

i'm very excited.
one step at a time.

song on my lips:
Jesus make me into what You want,
Jesus shape me into what You need,
Jesus take me, take my life i'll follow.

starving no more

yes i've been eating well, not voluntarily though

this sudden phase of anorexia is pretty odd

i just don't feel like eating at all

the last time i felt this was about 3 years ago after going through a really hard time

and i actually lost significant weight from it in a short period of time.

not a very healthy thing, i must say.

for now,i do get hungry heaps, but the thought of food is nauseating

decided to make pasta marinara today after an excellent day at church, thinking that maybe a nice meal would lure my mouth into salivating as usual

but no, not even halfway thru my bowl heaped with generous servings of seafood, i started to feel like chewing my food was such a chore

it even happened with the yummy tiramisu in the fridge

one lil slice, and after 3 spoons i felt sick

studying is going not too bad, could be better but i must say its not too bad

have this little study partnership thingy with Jolene over msn, and its great coz we push each other to study at constant intervals.

I miss home. My family is busy preparing for the massive open house makan tmrw.
I wish i could be there too.

The 5 cats are probably locked in my room.
poor little babies. lol.

back to work :)

accomplishment of the day

completed 7 subtopics

2 more subtopics till i finish the dermatology module

can't rmbr every single thing i've read though,

but i'm sure it'll settle in better when i do my 2nd and 3rd round of reading

my room is burning hot from my trusty ikea table lamp

it almost feels like summer in here!

step out of the room and boy, it is cold out there!

MM and PP tests are in 2 weeks, i can feel the pressure already

surprisingly the Credit i got for my previous test was actually a pretty good result when compared to the class average

hm :)

good effort, Shaleeni

i need to study up all of last year's material to be competent enough to pick out all the medication related issues in both assessments and to make the proper recommendations and provide the best advice for the different situations that are gonna be thrown at us.

not an easy task i must say

if i can keep up today's performance, just maybe i'll be able to do it

i'm so tired

2 more subtopics

should i try to finish it tonight when i gotta leave for central at 7am tmrw?

Heavenly Father, guide me through the next topics. Amen.

start start start now.

no time to waste.

exhausted

i am too tired and "malnourished" to do anything now

just had a sensible meal

time to let the body rest and regenerate the energy it needs

coz its hardcore brain work for the rest of today

wei jin got a job next year

its his first interview he's ever been for

he hasn't even passed his AP400 and needs to take another supp in jan

how great is that?

i know my job will come

it will come as long as i keep trying

and there's nothing wrong with me,

and no, just because i don't have a job yet does not mean the world hates me.

i just gotta persevere

applied for a position all the way in Darwin a couple of days ago

also realised that my resume might be a lil too humble

i really need to learn to sell myself a little more



****************


now about my little dental adventure

yes i was right! i had a chipped piece of tooth left lodged in my gum

one of the pieces of the the 3 teeth that shattered into tiny fragments from the fall

this is the 2nd piece of tooth i've found hidden in my gum so far

wonder if there are any more hidden anywhere else

no wonder i've been bleeding spontaneously from the back of my teeth ever since i had my restorations completed a couple of months ago

my gums are not doing too good

they're swollen and i have to start brushing them with a baby toothbrush 3 times a day from now on and gargle with lots of warm salt water

such a hassle

haihs

well, gotta do it!

teeth blues

i can feel another piece of chipped tooth in my gums behind my crowns

can there really still be broken teeth in my gums till today???

*shivers in fear*

**************

my internet connection has been slowed down for the month

sigh

hate it when this happens

give it a couple of days, its gonna be even slower to the extent that msn won't even sign in

***********

people are saying i'm losing weight

i haven't been exercising since my bday

but yea i haven't been eating well too all week

had a lot of things to do and a lot of things on my mind as well that i actually forgot to eat

3 out of 5 days this week i only ate dinner for an entire day

and that also maggi or cookies

and i can really feel the effects of malnourishment

no energy, brain function half dead, excessive need for sleep, tummy upsets

i gotta start eating well

the exams are around the corner

and its not gonna be the best time to be malnourished

anyone wanna cook me a healthy, balanced meal?

a chat with God

i had a conversation with God.

i never thought it would happen, but i'm glad it did.

i saw a lovely old couple the other day, and they were so in love.

and i saw the family they brought up, the children and their children.

and how amazing and knitted the family was.

such a beautiful legacy they would leave behind on this earth when they go to Heaven.

and then i asked God,

"Heavenly Father, if You have created such beauty in the connection of a man and a woman as one, and the amazing authority You've given us to create and leave influential and life changing legacies behind..

how come some people don't see that? why do they get the feelings like they don't belong to Your original plan and purpose of creating men and women to compliment each other?

I'm so confused. And i'm hurting. Why do they choose to do this?"

And then God said:

" They don't deliberately do it to hurt you. Just like when u sin, you don't deliberately do it to hurt me, do you? The devil is smart, and he wraps temptation in beautiful and attractive packages. Just like how you have found yourself falling into temptation, they too are struggling with temptations of their own. While you are confused and hurting, they are just as or even more confused and hurting too"

then i said:
"but at least i try not to do it. Why don't they try at all?"

God replied:
"Because sometimes emotions are so overwhelming, that it impedes them from hearing the truth. And without knowing the truth, one cannot distinguish sin from the ways of God"

then i continued:
"but why do i have to carry their burdens. Its too hard to live with. i feel miserable and sad.I've attempted giving up these relationships so many times, but my guilt towards them always pulls me back in."

God said:
"Dying on the cross for you was not easy for Jesus to do. Just like you, He had doubts and fears about the instructions i gave Him. But Jesus did not decide to die on the cross because He felt guilty and compelled to do so, He did it out of obedience and because of his love for you and for Me. Shouldn't you do the same for your loved ones? To push through the fear and be with them because u love them, instead of being there because u feel guilty to leave them?"

then God challenged me:
" What if Jesus had given up? Where would you be now? How would you feel? Similarly, where would your friends be if you choose to give up on them? How would they feel?"

Then God said:
" Be a light to the world, show them acceptance, show them the sincerity in your heart, like how i show you. Assure them that you'll walk with them daily. Without you, they will not make it through.
Love them just like how i love you. One day they will understand that i love them too. My child, i will guide you each step of the way, do not be anxious "




i feel so at peace now.
Hallelujah.

wasted week

i barely studied 1/4 of the syllabus i was meant to study this week

i need to stop mixing business with pleasure

study is study

no personal issues should get in the way

and what's with some ppl not approving me going to GC with Andrew?

gee

dear all,

i did not mean to make u feel "rejected" by not sending out the permission invites to see read the crap here earlier

i just got too busy :)

yay!
now only YOU can read this!
don't u feel LOVED?

hahaha

deja vu

remember this?

this ridiculously emo song somehow just makes it easier to say everything i have to say

its just missing 2 words:

i'm sorry

*******

alright time to get back to life
enough damage has been done so far

hush

oh, great God, be small enough to hear me now

there were times when i was crying
from the dark of Daniel's den
and i have asked You once or twice
if You would part the sea again
but tonight i do not need a fiery pillar in the sky
just wanna know You're gonna hold me if i start to cry
oh, great God, be small enough to hear me now

oh, great God, be close enough to feel you now
there have been moments when i could not
face Goliath on my own
and how could i forget We've marched around
our share of Jerichos
but i will not be setting out a fleece for You tonight
just wanna know that everything will be alright
oh great god, be close enough to feel You now

all praise and all honor be
to the God of ancient mysteries
whose every sign and wonder turn the pages of our history
but tonight my heart is heavy
and i cannot keep from whispering this prayer
"are You there?"

and i know You could leave writing on the wall
thats just for me
or send wisdom while i'm sleeping,
like in soloman's sweet dreams
but i don't need the strength of Samson
or a chariot in the end
just want to know that You still know how many hairs
are on my head
oh great God, be small enough to hear me now


this song describes how i feel right now.
God i know You hurt to watch us hurt ourselves with the wrong choices we make.
so many times we disobey,
yet while You hurt, You wait for us to come back to you,
and Your loving grace picks us up again each time without fail.
i don't wanna make a choice that will bring death.
i choose life.
the journey is getting rougher.
i just pray for wisdom and peace.


Luke 9:23 "If anyone desires to come after Me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross daily, and follow Me.

I GIVE UP.

let me make that clearer,

I GIVE UP.

i really give up.

enough.

i can't take this anymore.

yes, your eyes are not fooling you.

Shaleeni who never gives up, is giving this up.

if i could wish for just one little thing right now,

i'd wish you would take my hand,

and just dance with me.

and so i got a credit for my first test

i was hoping i'd get a distinction

hm

but i'm glad i passed :)

magnificent

the 8th wonder of the world



*burp*
heh

try it!

"nevertheless"

today i realised that i have been doing life without it over the past few months.

this year has been such a year of constant struggles.
been through so many phases of being atttacked physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually
which sometime left me upset, bitter and hurt.
the were times i even felt self pity and self condemnation creep in.

i'm glad i remembered one of the most important keys to how i should live my life.

never thought all the things going on around me could actually strip me away from me original path and direction.

never thought i could actually subconsciously let go of the principles that shape the very person i am due to the circumstances that i find myself in.

so today i start fresh.

nevertheless.

come on shaleen.
nevertheless.

should i grow up?

is it terribly childish of me to feel upset when a really close friend absolutely forgets my birthday?

i was honestly laughing about it since Thursday
i never thought it'd get to me,
coz i didn't expect him to remember to begin with.

but right now,
i really wish he didn't forget.

its not like rocket science,
you even have facebook to remind you, seriously.

i know i shouldn't be feeling this way
i've never expected much from him on normal occasions
but am i not allowed to expect anything at all?
not even on my special day?

yes i know, some people are just like that
i know so many close friends of mine who don't find birthdays significant
and that doesn't make me doubt the genuineness of the friendship we share

i must admit i'm feeling the pinch this time.
he's not just an acquaintance,
he's so much more than that..
i don't understand how he could have just let the day slip by just like that.
is a wish as a gesture of love and appreciation too much to ask for?

i'm upset.
i am.
too many times i've been let down,
especially by those who convince me that i can confidently place an expectation on them.
hence i usually try not to expect anything from anyone,
even from the ones who are really close to me.
those who claim to always be with me through thick and thin.
too many times they were never there.

unfortunately this time with him, i failed not to expect anything.

i guess i just miss him very much, that's all.

I'm so glad i have my Jesus.
He's the only one who NEVER gives me empty promises.
He's the only one who NEVER lets me down when all else fails.


get over it Shaleeni,
you know you will,
coz you love him very much.

YEAAAHHHH!!!!!!!

i have no words to describe how proud i am of my life group

although EVERYTHING went wrong

the mikes din work
the lights couldn't blackout at the right times
the video that the video team and i stressed over didn't play at all
abel was freaking out behind the PA system
lionel got stuck when belle and i were pushing him to his spot

EVERYTHING WENT WRONG

but we pulled through.

we even got 3rd place.

and everyone was SO SO SO happy.

i was bursting with joy and energy myself.

this is a HUGE boost for the LG.

we're been through a lot this year.

i've personally struggled with all the changes,

the split of the UV LG,
good friends leaving,
new people in the new life group which i refused to try to connect with,
just because i missed my old friends,
changes in the venues,
the combining of oxygen with the other youth groups,
Ernestine leaving,

i must admit, i struggled.

but today, just to see everyone so happy together,
it was really worth clinging on and pushing myself to accept the changes that happened.


IF YOU'RE READING THIS, my dear life group,
I AM VERY PROUD OF YOU,
and i LOVE you.

YEAHHH!!!!

what a good day at the beach with shi wei
was feeling terrible yesterday
and i was glad we went down to get some fresh air
really got lots of things off my mind
had some time to just sit back and relax and forget about all the worries the world is bugging me with
if there's one thing i love, its spending one-on-one time with someone i'm fond of
even if it doesn't involve much talking or whatever
just sit there with me,
and i'll be well entertained :)

feel like doing it again next week :)

even managed to get Snip some rocks and shells to play with

time to get ready for tonight's show

i hope it all goes good
a lil nervous over dancing
coz i'm dancing with belle
who's been doing ballet for 20 years
i'm gonna look like a hippopotamus next to her


*keeps fingers crossed*

ps: snip is my pet hermit crab

a day after ur birthday,
its back to the real world.

books, perfomances, job hunts, chores.

but it did feel splendid having everyone spoil me and treat me like a queen for the day

one word to describe my 22nd birthday:

exceptional.


thank you all.
everything was beautiful and phenomenal.

*muah*

goodbye kangaroo island.
oh Gosh.
Failure has never felt so real until i started studying pharmacy.

daddy told me not to be sad and enjoy the rest of my day.
well, i'm trying to.
:(

and i'll keep looking for a spot.
a better one's out there.

good morning, young lady

brilliant start to the day thanks to the housemates,
both past and present

night before: visit of the previous housemates *heart*

thanks for the lovely blue top.
yessss....i'll make sure equip it with a proper ***

cake courtesy of the old housemates
megan just decided to steal a lil bit from me :P

rise and shine to new housemate love:

purple, green and orange.
one of my favourite combinations :)

shelley chee's so called big breakfast
more like HUMONGOUS breakfast

i'm gonna end this week with a bloated tummy
and i'm gonna need to do ballet with it on saturday

*dies*

time to shower and be all pretty

*blows kisses*

shaleeni.wants.to.go.home.

i miss my family.

cry of the 3rd years

ap 301 test results came out today
my poor juniors are really feeling the pinch of 3rd year,
where u study, and still fail as badly as someone who went into the exam without even touching a book.

been there,
done that,
failed,
cried,
felt stupid,
felt like a failure,
felt like quitting.

done all that kidos.
HONEST.

it IS hard.
VERY.
but please please don't beat yourselves up.
YOU'RE NOT STUPID.
its just really really hard.

keep going,
its not over until the final exams are done
so you're not gonna fail this subject if you try harder for the final paper.
CAN!
TRUST ME!
If i could do you,
so can YOU.

18SG. not for the faint hearted.

and so i was meant to wake up at 7 as usual to go to school at 9

and i just woke up

and the time now is11.51 am

why?

i had unpleasant dreams/nightmares again last night

this time i rmbr one of it SO clearly, i betta write it down before i forget

i was with mum, in our house which did not look like our house.
and we were gonna leave home to go to the pasar malam which is just down the street
(my house is like 50m from the tuesday pasar malam in teluk pulai)

we made sure everything was locked up,
we checked the doors a few times,
we even stuffed wood pieces into the little holes under the door to hold it,
like what happens when the floor cloth gets trapped under the door,
the door gets "stuck".
we were pretty worried to leave the house somehow,
i could actually feel the anxiety through the dream.

we even went over to my neighbour's house
(the neighbour who moved out 5 years ago)
and talked to the aunty to help us look after the house while we were out

seriously, we were just going to buy veggies at the pasar malam
getting ur neighbour to help look after the house is something we only do when we go down to penang to visit the rest of the family

and then we leave to buy our veggies
and when we get home,
we find the door slightly ajar.
and mum's like "huh? really got ppl come in ar?"
we looked down the varendah (dun ask me how we got there) and saw this guy in the living room,
and like ninja turtles, the both of us tried to be heroes and jumped over the varendah,
down into the living room where the dodgey guy was

and this somehow sounds funny now
but we ended up fighting with the guy
and mummy was so "useless"
she kept toppling over and getting hit herslef with every attempt of attacking the guy
which was odd, coz if it really did happen,
i think mum would be the hero and i'd be hiding behind her

and the guy was laughing
like some ham sap sex maniac
and i was very very scared
and then the attempts to attack and protect ourselves went on for a bit
mostly done by me coz mummy was so lembik in the dream
and then he toppled over somehow
and i recalled what we used to do in tae kwan do
and we'd aim for the eyes coz that's the easiest way to bring someone down

so i crawled over him (EEEUUU)
and grabbed a SCISSORS
which somehow appeared next to me lying on the floor
and start STABBING HIM IN THE RIGHT EYE
like STAB STAB STAB
and his stupid eye was like rubber
is just didn't want to burst
stab stab stab stab again
it just got gooey and oozy, all mushed up and redish black in the inside,
coz i had smashed up his pupil,
but the outer surface was still in one piece
and so i gave up and tried the other eye
stab stab stab!
same thing!
and he was LAUGHING his disturbing laugh ALL THE WAY!!!!

his eyes looked disgusting and that was the last thing i saw before i woke up and smacked my head right into the ceiling above me
(my bed is like 2 feet from the ceiling)
i didn't even dare to move the moment i hid my head back under the sheets
i just felt like if i moved i'd see the guy behind me
plus, my bed is the kind where you can look down to the stuff below you
and that reminded me of the part where mum and i looked down the varendah to find him there

that was nasty
i had to pray and talk myself to sleep and to calm down my tachycardic heart
where's the bf to cuddle up with in times like this u tell me
lol
well, that was really scary.

next thing u know,
i sleep through my alarm and wake up almost 5 hours late.
sighs.

how's that for a dream.
i don't know why i'm getting such insecure dreams
do i subconsciously feel that threatened and unprotected?
it doesn't make any sense.

you know how most ppl hate it when people say that they're spoilt?


well i proudly declare that
I AM SPOILT.

MY PARENTS GIVE ME
EVERYTHING

EVERYTHING THEY OWN AND HAVE
EVERYTHING goes to straight to me.

i constantly wonder what did i do to deserve so much.

to say that i'm grateful is an understatement.

i love my parents beyond words can say.

and i can't wait to just give it all back to them.

and i'll truly honour them all the days of my life.

headaches. headaches. headaches.

meet my new best friend and faithful companion,
mr paracetamol.

who needs mr andrew chan when i can have up to 4 encounters with my new buddy daily.

:P

but will u still sing me songs, mr chan?

coz unfortunately, mr paracetamol can't exactly sing..


*******


i got a comment today saying that i've changed heaps over the last year
lets see


march 2007

october 2008

WHERE GOT LAAAAAAAAA

but oh look at the gorgeous flow of the fringe in last year's pic thanks to lex from hair room
NOONE can cut my fringe except lex
look the the cacat unflattering fringe now
sigh
i want a nice hair cut
i've never had a nice hair cut ever since lex "disappeared"

how long can u hold back tears?

never as long as u plan to.

but i know i'm not the only one crying.

We all are.

i miss u Nest.

oops

i think i've hurt someone
even after trying not to
and trying to conceal my thoughts
i can't act innocent anymore
and the silence is killing me
i'm sorry

how are girls meant to work like normal human beings
when the pain is so bad that u can barely stand upright.

here's the answer shaleeni jayamani
swallow ur NSAIDs and stop whining like a woos.

you've got lots to do,
and feeling sorry for urself in bed under the sheets all day is not getting you anywhere.

easier said than done,
but well,
just gotta do it.

right my fellow ladies?

yet another day of extreme emotions

Trott Park Pharmacy
Internship Opportunity 2009
Re-advertised

Please apply via email only by the 31st October 2008.
Students who have been interviewed need not reapply.

**********

ok so what's this supposed to mean?

i'll just take it as i din get the job la after the many hours of wiping her shelves.

Heavenly father, i feel so confused.

I've sacrificed so much time, energy and money in this.

I don't understand why all this is happening.

But i know You know better,

so i'm trusting You and just gonna keep pushing on.

its a harsh world out there.

Just gotta keep trying.

The last thing i'm gonna do is allow myself to be discouraged.

***********
as of today,
my ielts paper is booked in on the 5th and 6th of december.

another whole load of "bucks" gone down that track

**********



this song rips my heart to pieces

reminds me that its about time i made my stand,
draw my line,
and say my goodbye too

Hallelujah

All praises and Glory to God.

i cleared yet another stage of this nasty degree.

I really hope not many people failed this time.

when the heart speaks..

today is such a day of extremes

extreme hyperness at school

extreme lethargy after school

extreme decision making, leading to an impulsive haircut

extreme energy at rehearsal for the launch of friday night church tmrw

and now its extreme loneliness

everything around me feels so quiet and still

i miss belle.
5 weeks to the end of my exams also means 5 weeks till we say goodbye.

Ernest is leaving too for Brisbane is 3 days.
I sure am not looking forward to stepping into the airport.

and Lucas is gonna leave to Sydney as well in January.
There goes my Adelaide Handyman who is always on my back,
tending to my every need.

How true is it that we constantly find ourselves running back to the Creator when we realise things really are not in our hands.

Things change.
Rapidly,
Constantly.

I don't know what the future holds,
my job,
my future career,
my personal dreams,
my relationships.

Everything so vague and unclear.

But the more misty the path gets,
the more i will trust in God.
Coz He's holding my hand,
guiding me every step of the way.
Even in times where emotions tell me that i'm lonely,
conviction and revelation reminds me that i'm never alone.
How good is that to live with hope?
Amen?