confession

so i did mention that i tried on an old dress which i had not been able to wear over the last two years, and it fit perfectly.

weight loss?

should be pleased shouldn't i?

today i reevaluated myself.

how can i be losing weight when i'm not exercising?

here's the answer.

i'm not eating.

neither am i drinking much water in the 45 degree heat wave.

have not been eating for the past one and a half weeks.

i only eat when there are people around me.

ie: when i go out with my colleagues or at lunch at work.

all other times of the day... i do not eat.

i know... what was i thinking?

hey, i'm being vulnerable now, so play nice people.

i spend heaps of time in my room, trying to sleep coz i feel exhausted all the time.

i get headaches throughout the day.

and i get dizzy too.

and i've felt really unwell a couple of nights through this phase already.

plus i just had my period which made me feel even more crap over the week.

and if i can't sleep when i go to bed,

i pile myself up with work until i feel tired enough to sleep.

and because i stay in my room all the time, i do not even go out during meal times to eat.

i just stay on my bed and feel my stomach rumble until it gets to a stage where i dun feel it anymore.

gee i sound pathetic lol.

and all shaleeni's loved ones will know that when i'm not eating..

it just means something's not right.

*****

its been a terribly hard month,
not just for me,
but for all of us who have moved to rural areas on our own.

we all struggle sometimes, don't we.

i was coping well from the very beginning

but i guess i'm having a bumpy ride too now.

****

i need to pick myself up.

let the fire in my heart burn again.

i miss waking up in the morning looking forward to the day.

i miss feeling inspired to make the best of my time each day.

i miss going the extra mile for people.

i miss just being myself.

i feel terrible.

i really need to eat.

daddy would be worried sick if he knew i was doing this to myself again.

****

alright, it all starts today.

one and a half weeks is as bad as it's gonna get.

no more shaleen, no more.

i'm gonna have a shower and go cook myself a nutritious and balanced meal.

i can't keep doing this to myself.

come on Shaleen.

It's not that hard if you'd just get up.

up! up! up!

and just to remind myself and anyone else out there who's in the same shoes as me right now,

there's nothing my Jesus and i cannot handle together this 2009.

come on Shaleen.

You've got victory in your hands already.

You've just gotta claim it.

i'll be better, and take care of myself. i promise.

love, shaleen.