good morning world

the time now is 1.34 pm,
and Shaleeni Jayamani just woke up from her 2nd block of sleep for the day

haha

got up at 7 this morning to a teddy bear in my face.
was from my sister.
aww.
OMG I'M LEAVING HOME AGAIN IN A WEEK.
here comes the turmoil of emotions.

had a massive tummy ache the moment i woke up,
and ended up sleeping on the sofa for another 5 hours.
talk about exhaustion.

now i feel even more tired from all the sleeping!
nasty!!
should get my lazy bum up and do some dangdut!
*wiggles butt*

*******

last night's outing with the St John girls from school was GREAAATT!
met Jinn, Sue-Li, See Ting,Wen Dee, Chin Yong and Juli who came back from NZ.
just like old times in school.
so sad that once upon a time we used to do everyday together,
now its just a couple of hours every 6 months.
everyone still looks the same,
and the chemistry has not changed either.
awesome.

********

and so 8 of us went cycling yesterday at bukit cahaya.
There was Tina, Soo, Ke Xin, and Sean,
as well as Hui Xin and Hui Ling,
plus Nath who was under my care for the day. haha

cycling was a blast.
loved working those flabby thighs uphill.
and surprisingly, although they're disgustingly flabby and wobbly now compared to the training days,
they're still pretty strong!
i managed to power uphill, ahead of hui xin and hui ling who are still training!
even hui xin was like "woi u gila one ah! nv train still stamina like horse!"

LOL!
must admit i was pleased!
such a boost!
i REALLY should do something to up my fitness level,
and hopefully at the same time slim down tonnes more next year.
i just hope working full time and studying at the same time won't hinder me from doing that.

*******

today is gonna be spent studying
been having these massive allergy strikes out of the blue begining last night
even now, my eyes are all wattery and i'm scratching my whole face as tho there are bugs crawling beneath my skin.
Thank God for the people who discovered antihistamines.
i'd be scratching my face all day if not for them.

alright time to start work!
goodbye lovelies.

mia and roger wang's showcase was phenomenal

i wouldn't mind being Roger Wang's maid if i could hear him play the guitar like that everyday

hahaha

and what a small world,

mia's flying to the Gold Coast on the same flight as i will be on the 8th of Dec.

haha.

*******
yesterday was a real testimony of the power of prayer.

i need to change the habit of only realising that God is out there for me only when things are going great.

i need to KNOW that even when things are going downhill,

God is already ahead of me fixing up the solution.

I need to understand that.

and I will keep praying.

I won't give up.

I will persevere.

*******

cycling time!

weeee!

what a storm outside.

Thank God daddy came home safely despite the rain and floods.

i pray that my sister will be back safely too.

***

time to start packing.

what a productive day!

excellent :D

spent the evening with ke xin and rob doing shopping

didn't manage to get much for myself though

just over a week left!

i need to work harder on my IELTS prep.

going slow, but going great.

*******

i think i'm putting on weight

again.

i feel like a bloated watermelon.

how laaaaaa.

such volatile weight.

*******

not in the writing or thinking mood.

too many things to do.

so just writing down the first things that come to my mind without putting much thought into it.

the 3rd years will have their final paper on Saturday,
i hope they're studying well.

preparation for Andrew's trip isn't going too great.
but i'm sure we'll pull through over the next week.

going for Mia's concert tmrw,
the dress code is the 60's
and i have NOTHING 60's in my wardrobe.
lets see what i can dig out of mummy's wardrobe.
ahahha.

*******

i'm so so so so sleepy! and its only 8pm!
i think my head is still clocked according to adelaide's time.
haha

such a happy day, compared to yesterday.

forgiving someone and letting go of grudges does bring forth effortless joy.
hm.
yay
i feel good
so good :)

did i swallow a grenade?

shaleeni jayamani has only one thing to get off her chest now:

i could not be bothered anymore.

at least for tonight.

maybe my largely forgiving heart will talk that tiny angry portion out of feeling this way.

but for now,

*exhales*

can anyone sense how sorry i feel for myself?

urgh

really not worth my time and effort!
why do i even bother!!!!!?????

i woke up to daddy screaming and banging on the gate after his morning walk with tyrande in his arms

tyrande (the new tyrande) had the same fate as his mum patches

yet another road kill

it really pays to live on the main road, especially when u have stubborn, kaypoh and curious cats

one dash out to the main road, and its goodbye

5 cats under our care have died over the past 2 years

are my parents doing something wrong?

i don't think so.

it just happens. unfortunately.

*******

otherwise,

today was a great day

got lots of things done.

********

been spending lots of my hard earned money on households for the family

although i'm only forking out pennies in comparison to the thousands my parents have forked out for me

i must say that contributing financially to the family feels GREAT

and i love it

i'm sure many of you can relate to what i'm saying.

:)

i feel like a big girl in the family, finally.

********

i can't believe tomorrow is already Thursday!!!

gotta appreciate and make the most of the few days i have left here in the comfort of home.

my 2nd week back home begins today

spent most of the day in coll helping my sis and meeting familiar faces

had a good time at lunch with my brother for life, mr Jon Koh

after 4 months, he has not changed a bit,

still as good looking, lame, hilarious, and late as ever.

today's chat over lunch i believe has launched the friendship into a whole new "dimension".

Thank God for good friends.

*********

still haven't decided whether i should live on my own next year

i need to decide, fast.

********

had another spoon from the bitter bowl of reality.

oh boy, it hurt. bad.

********

ironically when i'm trying not to rmbr Ridzuan at the sight of every corner in Klang and Subang,

out of the blue he decides to be extraordinarily nice to me.

i must admit, i am pleased.

********

ps: i miss u so much Marabelle Heng :(

the 27th National Inter-Club Swimming Championship 2008
for the Presiden's Cup

9 events

1215 athletes from all across Malaysia

ranging from record smashing swimmers to swimmers who literally pee in their seat due to nervousness

love the scene

reluctantly disqualified 8 swimmers though on my lane over the 3 days

***

Matthew is having his exam this week
5 papers over 5 days begining today

yet he chooses to swim for the meet
and smashes his personal best for his pet 50 breast event

got me thinking
like wow, he still picks his sport over his studies.

i chose my game throughout the schooling days
exams or not, i played.
the exams could always wait.

but 3 years ago i had to make that choice,
my only and last shot sukma, or pharmacy

and i chose pharmacy
and here i am now winging about how much i miss the scene and that life is miserable with the books.

but if i had chosen sukma,
would i be where i am now?
one result away from a graduate pharmacist?

hm
interesting

but sigh
i still wish i had a shot at sukma
too late, i'm 22!
no more sukma's for me!

kena bomb

"what's the point of a blog for people to read when 100% of the time, they have no idea what the post is talking about?"

'i'm gonna stop reading one day in frustration"

"then u dun complain i dun read ur blog"

********

sob

i should stop emo-ing on my blog

i nv meant to frustrate people who genuinely care

i cannot believe what i saw with my own eyes and heard with my own ears today

*shakes head in disbelief*

this cannot be happening

i don't want this to be happening

i feel so strangled

so suffocated

all this while it was just a fairytale, a myth i heard of and saw from another land

now i see it right before me

its so real

its just too real

maybe i really am better off staying in Australia

just leave everything and everyone here behind

and start over

2nd day back home

how fun is netball

especially when ur old teammates rock up without telling u

went to help mum coach this lousy team for their netball match in 3 weeks time

mum was supposed to drill the attacking side,
i was meant to take the defence.

next thing i know,
i'm laughing my brain off flying all over the court with my old teammates.


AWESOMEEEEEEE

the team we were training were pretty disastrous though,
i got bashed and beaten up pretty badly.
the pains of being a defender.
smack smack smack.
ouch.

so good to be home
back the the real shaleeni,
who does sports, sings, bangs the piano daily.

2 and a half weeks left
gotta make full use of it
maybe i really should go for the AIDS awareness event next week although i've marked it in my diary all year

decisions, decision.


Matthew's got 2 events tmrw
the 100 fly and his pet event, the 100 breast

this time i cannot go screaming his name at the top of my lungs each time his head breaches the surface of the water
just gotta cheer him on silently from where i am

i hope he scores some points tmrw

since i got home last night..
i have:

1. unpacked ALL my luggage etc
2. thrilled mummy with all the goodies i bought
3. visited lots of people at college
4. made tiramisu with shireen and wee han
5. read a tiny bit of my ielts book
6. cleaned heaps of cat shit *sigh*
7. eaten roti telur, mi hun kueh and mummy's nasi lemak
8. received undying love and attention from matt *heart*

not exactly productive in terms of the work i need to kau tim before i go back to adelaide

tmrw needs to be more productive
don't have much time.

the time now is 5.38am
my table, mess, notes, papers, scrap spread all over.
my luggage, almost fully prepared.
my stomach, hurts so badly, making funny noises.

trust the tummy to throw a tantrum at you 3 hours before your paper really.

ouch.
this is it.
i'm almost at the end of this journey.

Peace

thank you Jesus

i'm not ready for this goodbye

2 days from my exam

how am i meant to study when everything looks blur through the tears

Your eyes are full,
full of the future of us
The air changes as you look across
at me in that wondering way

It is as if
I knew you before we spoke
Do our hearts know something we don't?
Conspiring, converging
without giving us any say

You sing me to sleep,
talk down my walls
Look through my windows as I wait
You could be the thief
I give the key to

You're ruining me
with secrets and gestures and looks
With sonnets and second-hand books
Playing the chords in me
nobody knew how to play

You sing me to sleep,
talk down my walls
Look through my windows as I wait
You could be the thief
I give the key to

It fits in your hand like the water in rain
It unlocks our two different selves
and shows we are the same
Rather than wait 'til I
put me out for the taking
You're breaking
You're breaking into my heart
and I'm letting you

Your eyes are full,
full of the future of us

~Brooke Fraser

Sometimes i wish you'd just stay away from me.
Because through my eyes, i see no future.

Would someone please help snip the string off.
and hold my hand as I watch my balloon drift off in the wind.
Try as I may, I can't seem to pry my fingers from the string on my own.
I'm clinging on too tightly.
I'm too afraid to let you go.

to live with a boy next year in a 2 bedroom house... (shakes head in disagreement)


or to live on my own in a studio apartment ( and pay a whole lot more)


decisions.

i don't like living with boys!
(unless of course, they have the star qualities my daddy has)
i never have,
and never want to
until i get married to the one who effortlessly steals my very well guarded heart away.


i finally managed to get a good 7 hour block of sleep last night.

here's to another day of studying till 1 am at uni.

so i met Sarah and this is what she said:

the first thing i thought of when you told me you were going to Port Augusta was,

"This Shaleeni must be looking for what she can go and join and do over there now"

bwahahahahha

trust 5 years of die hard friendship to be able to predict my actions so well.

maybe Wee Li is right,

i am TERRIBLY predictable.

nyeheheh.

ps: never have a large mocha chilla on the first day of your menstrual cycle.

You're bound to expect avoidable unpleasant "side effects"

ouch ouch

who says God never answers prayers.

This week i hit rock bottom.

I had just received a job offer in Darwin the day before and was terribly confused on whether i should accept the offer or not.

Knowing that i had another interview today, i kept my options open, although today's interview would be for two rural towns- Whyalla in South Australia, and Broken Hill in New South Wales.

If i had to choose i'd choose Darwin.

On top of that my heart was not right.

I was struggling with relationship issues, demanading decisions and actions that would would cause a major conflict,

and possibble the loss of a loved one,

but which would save me from drowning any further if only i was brave enough make my stand.

I felt pressured.

Pressured to do what was right to save myself from the agony i was leading myself into.

At the same time i feared the world.

I felt vulnerable.

I felt so unprotected.

Being brought up and nurtured in a loving environment,

my parents made every effort to protect me from worldly things.

Although i did not grow up in a Christian family,

I was brought up to know what was right and what was not.

but because of my inquisity over the past half of a decade of my life,

i find myself wading into dark waters,

discovering and poking my way into the dark ends of this world today,

the ends which mum and dad tried so hard to protect me from.

And the things i see... how painful...

the world today is so broken..

i find myself being dragged into this brokenness.

dragged along emotionally unwillingly.

too much to have on my mind in the midst of preparation for my exam on Tuesday.

so i decided to take the whole evening off studying.

I spent my midnight driving Andrew up the wall.

Earlier on i went bananas with Ern Chee over dinner,

right after dinner i burst into fountains of tears with Marabelle.

Yes, terribly unstable.

i found myself waking up at 6 am this morning, with merely 3 hours of sleep.

my phone was dead over the hours of crying with Belle.

I woke up anxious. Stressed. Hurt. Confused. Lonely.

Failed to regain any sleep for the next half an hour.

Through the tears i felt prompted to pray.

and so i did.

Out loud on the top of my lungs voice and body all shaky,

i prayed.

and prayed.

and prayed.

3 hours later,

I get another offer.

not even something i expected.

I'm going to Port Augusta.

a very busy community pharmacy which caters to a lot of mental health patients.

spoke to Helen, my preceptor/mentor,

and she's bubbly,

so bubbly.

now i know understand why the human resource manager said that i'd fit in very well in port Augusta.

My parents are relieved.

I didn't know they were so worried about me.

Hallelujah.

Finally,

its been an 8 month long battle.

All Glory to God.

why, u wonder?

coz sometimes i do get tired of always coming in 2nd on ur list...

i "killed" snip.

i smacked him with the door by accident, and snapped off 2 of his legs

:(

i'm glad he's still alive.

he's very very very scared though..

my poor baby :( :( :(

***********

Michael called from Phillip Island

after looking through all the applications on Saturday,

They decided to give it to someone else.

I must say they're excellent people.

They keep to their word and they're really polite and kind.

**************

Got an interview on Wednesday for a position either in Whyalla or Broken Hill.

*************

Nationals has started calling people for interviews,

people who they have not interviewed before.

no idea what that means,

but we'll see how it goes.

*************

Got a free bus ride today.

Saved me 2.10 for the day.

I reckon it was the pretty dress i was wearing.

I realise that people are extremely nice to me when i put on a dress and slap on subtle bits of make up.

***********

Pigged on half a bag of sweet chilly and sour cream doritos.

well done Shaleeni.

I'm so gonna regret it when i see my tummy in the mirror.

***************

the night is gonna be spent studying late since i can't sleep even when i send myself to bed relatively early.

just because another attempt failed does not mean i need to sit and sob about it.

move on.

dig another well.

I'm growing through this painful journey and experience.

No regrets.

dear oestrogens,

i've spent the whole day battling you.

One minute i'd be on the winning end,

Before i know it, you regain control again,

Even last night, u kept me awake all through the night.

I've wasted 3/4 of my day trying to take you down,

Barely finished half of my study plan for the day,

You drain all the energy out of me,

You make me think of and miss my loved ones every second of the day,

You make me think that the world is coming to an end,

You magnify my struggles in my head,

You even tempt me into eating the chocs and goodies i bought to bring home for mummy.

Why are you such a meanie?

Don't you realise i have an exam in a week?

I feel so miserable and weepy.

Most of the time i can usually show you who's boss,

but i guess November's championship trophy goes to you.

You win.

There you go.

What you waiting for?

Take it!

All yours!!

You happy now?

Stop chuckling at me!!!

pfft.

I'll go sob in my pillow now.

HEARTBREEEAKKKEEERRR!!!!!

hahaha i cannot forget the journey to eyre peninsula
where wee li was screaming this song at the top of his lungs
with one hand on the streering wheel and another swinging all over the place gesturing the lyrics of the song
and head bobbing and rocking aggressively in tune with the beat
all at 150km per hour

and lynn at the back :
i'm very scareddddd
i better not ever break his heart!!


haaaa
good times


ROFL

Noel Allen Pharmacies group says...

Dear Shaleeni,

We have two positions available - one is in Whyalla and the other is in
Broken Hill. if you are prepared to relocate to either of these places
and then stay on for 2 years afterwards please let me know and I will
make a time to meet with you.

*************

a 3 year contract if i take the job.

3 more years in Australia!
in retail pharmacy!?
that's the last thing i want!
should i meet her?

oh dear.
massive decisions to make in such a short period of time.

Phillip Island Pharmacy, Victoria is gonna call me back on Monday to tell me the verdict of my application.

Father God, teach me each step of the way.

If it hurts me to see what's happening in the world today,
i couldn't help but wonder how much more would God hurt then?

who else can i turn to if not to the Sovereign God who created the heavens and earth?

Everything You hold in Your hands,
still You make time to assure me that things are going to be alright,
such love is just too great to comprehend.

Heavenly Father, i fear the possibility of the changes that will happen in the near future.
I pray for the nation.
I pray for Your people.
Let Your will be done here on earth as is in heaven.
amidst all this,
I'm on my knees.
Grant me peace knowing that You hold the universe in Your hands.

i feel.. a lil lonely..

packing is going great.
but i still have a feeling that i'm missing something..

i feel like i'm not growing.
everything just feels stagnant now.
dry.
distant.
i should seek more,
because i know when i seek with all my heart,
i WILL find.

today i began to talk myself into worrying again.
if there is one thing i'd like to overcome for now,
it has to be accepting and understanding that it is not unusual to not be worried when something is not right.
sometimes i deliberately make myself worry because it just does not make sense if i don't feel worried despite the severity of the situation i am in.
some people say that if you're not worried about anything, its just because you just have this "tadak apa" attitude,
so basically if nothing matters, there's nothing to worry about!

but i believe worrying is not the way to go because God has already won the victory for us.
Our future is secure and there are so many promises in our future which we are yet to see and grasp.

so i don't have a job yet.
my exams are in two weeks.
i have relationships which are on the rocks.
i don't know what or where i will be in the next couple of months.

don't i have every reason to worry?

“Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus” Phillipans 4: 6-7

no i don't.
note to self : so stop talking yourself into worrying when you KNOW you don't have to!

i know that there are promises and blessings in my future with my name already carved on it.
Blessings beyond my greatest dreams and imaginations.
i just need to reach out, and grab.
Keep going Shaleen.
You're getting to your promise land.

how interesting..

i was packing my documents for my flight back home
and i decided to flip through my passport
and interestingly i noticed that i left adelaide on the 18th of november last year as well
wow
i'm absolutely amused

PP test tmrw at 2

all i need to do is:

1. pray and surrender it to God
2. think
3. ask lots and lots and lots and lots of questions
4. think
5. work out the best recommendations and treatment options for the patient.
6. think
7. speak slowly and confidently.
8. think
9. talk the the patient, not the blackboard.
10. THINK



i just need to use my head and be calm.
i can do this.
i'm prepared.

Heavenly Father, whatever the outcome will be, i will continue to praise Your name.



ps: accomplishment of the day : i swallowed a durian cake, and found it pretty pleasant tasting.
my taste buds are maturing as i age, getting less picky.
*pats self on the back*
now to try to swallow sushi.......
we'll make that the target to achieve by the time i'm 23..

and so i wasted 2.5 hours of my life on msn last night
just woke up,
got my good dose of sleep.
had lots and lots of dreams.
been dreaming lots of short little dreams over the past week almost every night.
but i've been sleeping well too.
no bouts of sleeplessness,
no waking up in the middle of the night.
just that i'll automatically wake up at 6.30,
but heh since i slept late.. 6.30 is wayyyyy to early to get up huh.

i feel very refreshed today.
heading off to the library once more to study.
still not very prepared for tmrw's test although i started studying from like last week..
gotta work it today.

note to self: i need to pack!

45 minutes after the MM test

i'm relieved
it wasn't terribly bad
for once i feel like i'm not gonna fail it

but it was bad in terms of time
before we started we were told not to stress about time because 2 hours was more than enough to complete the paper

30 minutes left and i still had half the paper to write
towards the last 15 minutes my hand was hurting so badly that my pen kept slipping out of my grip.
My pollicis muscles are killing me, even until now it aches.
i really should ice it.
it even looks a lil swollen.

when i came out, Daniel who was sitting next to me was like :
"sure pain la u write until so ganas!"

LOL
no choice laaaa
my writing was disgusting from the begining to the end
towards the end i could barely control the pen to the extent that i had to cancel and rewrite so many words coz they looked like just a line...

owh well,
one down for the week.
one more to go.

since i'm barely on msn now,
i'll just update u on what i'll be up to each day.
at least you won't feel like i'm miles away if u know what i'm busy with.

today :

1.30 - lunch
2.00 - prepare dinner for housemates and Jolene
(nasi lemak. need a treat)
3.00 - swim
5.00 - head down to City East Library
5.30 - 7 - study at City East Library
7-7.45 - dinner break at Jolene's
7.45 - head down to City West Library
8 - midnight - study at City West Library
midnight - uni escort drops us home

alright,
gonna eat and cook now.

missing all of you.
but the books need me for now,
more like i need to books.
sigh.
*muacks*

gah! forgot to bring the freddo to change at woolies!
must rmbr to bring it when i head down to the city later at 5.

1 hour to the MM test...

i don't know what to expect.

did not manage to study up everything from last year's therapeutics

there's no way i can finish studying a 2 year syllabus in less than 8 weeks, really.

but whatever i managed to revise, i know it reasonably well, so that feels good.

for the others which i have not managed to revise,
i just gotta sit and use double brain energy,
and THINK THINK THINK.

this test is freaky.
lets go get it done and over with.

shopping

and so jolene and i headed down to woolies today to buy chocs


and we walked out with $24 worth of cadbury chocs EACH

what were we thinking!

just could not resist the bargain!

mummy's gonna kill me,
but she'll love me while she digs her teeth into all the yummy calories during her stressful exam moments in December.


yes!
6 massive 250g blocks and 2 share packs.
and yes ng ke xin, if ur wondering,
the freddo is yours.
but i bought wrong one laaaa, need to go change it tmrw.
and NO matthew, NOTHING is for you.
:P


no chocs for me!
i have another 8-ish kilos to lose before i feel "normal" again.
jolene has overfed me today.
i should stay away from her.
*runs off secretly*

i cannot stop thinking of food.

i'm craving for rojak.

and satay.

and murtabak.

and and and.... ondeh ondeh..

and OMGG CENDOOLLL!!!

ICEE KACANGGG!!!

LOH MAI KAI!!

REALITY CHECK:

i need to study.

no time for food thoughts.

study.

STUDYYYY.

ps : if that's the case then maybe i should be upset more often, then i'll be effortlessly skinny and hot.
hmmmmmm.
tempting option hahaha.



and oh shermayne, u know me so well.
but no larrrr i din merajuk la.....
just to show off to the world this awesome "threesome" we have in 3 different countries.
you should have been born in october also la miss chan.
live apart, but never grow apart.
goodbye for now, but not goodbye forever.. remember?