i'm still bleeding

what's going on??

one more day

it might just be harmless haemorrhoids.

IT IS NOT IBS OR CHRONS OR BOWEL CANCER FOR GOODNESS SAKES SHALEENI.

i'm still pooing blood :(

what's going onnnn!!!!!

i believe its getting less tho...

*****

just got back from whyalla

was at a music workshop with a couple ladies

and i realise i CANNOT sing

i'm very inspired to play the piano more though

which is awesome

:)

*****

tmrw's the start of a brand new month

also marks my 8th week here in my new place

which also means its time to get serious about budgeting and putting money aside for saving

i've pretty much finished furnishing my house etc

so there shouldn't be too much spending anymore

i can buy more gifts for ppl :) :) :)

just posted one down to jinn

lets hope it doesn't get lost in the mail

******

I'm thinking of going back in late june or july

but i'm to scared to ask my boss to let me go for 2 weeks

technically i can do it if i want to..

i'm just.. scared

*bites nails*

i'll work extra hard this week and then i'll ask

*******

here's my to do list for this evening:

1. dishes
2. clean kitchen & bin
3. wash, hang, fold and iron clothes
4. clean room
5. vacumn house
6. file away paperwork
7. practice piano
8. bake cake
9. look for accommodation for graduation

then hopefully i'll still have some time to do a bit of personal reading and studying

*****

why do i believe in this God i don't see so so so so so so much?

because i have felt him, seen him, heard him,

and no words can describe how it feels to KNOW and feel his amazing love.

if you think food or any form of entertainment makes u feel great,

you'll be BLOWN AWAY with how much GREATER living with God is.

Take my word for it.

:) :) :)

****

sher mayne's got a line!

and she's on THREEEEEEE!!!!

:)

free calls, free mms!

awesssssoooooommmmmmmmmmmeeeee :D :D

winds of change

a lot has changed.

things certainly will never be the same.

2009 is a new year.

new job, new location, new people.


****

lillian goes back to adelaide after work today.

:(

how fun to have someone who likes being around you with you.

she'll be back next tues :)

i'll look forward to that.

today's goal at work : less mistakes

****

couple of interesting things that happened yest:

1. a little girl came into the pharmacy.
she's taking part in the world's greatest shave for the leukemia foundation.
and she's shaving her head 0n the day her grandmother died of leukemia.
i happily contributed to her effort :)
i was so inspired :)

2. A mental health patient calls the pharmacy and requests to speak to me.
he asks me out for coffee on friday and to a birthday party on Saturday with him.
my colleagues were both horrified and amused.
i declined them both, politely.
my colleagues think i should tell him i have a 6 foot bf who's buff and who's a big jealous pot.
we'll see how that goes.
i'm quite scared to answer phone calls now.
not because he has a mental health condition,
but just because i don't want to lead him on to think that i'm interested to break certain boundaries.

3. i could not get a car loan.
i have to wait another 5 weeks before i can get it approved.

4. boss sends me to the newsagency to buy the local newspaper.
i stepped in, and i hear tom baxter's single "better" on the speakers.
how shocking!
not many australians know tom baxter since he's UK based.
and i felt.....
i dunno.
i could not describe how i felt.
but i felt.. better.
:)


5. dad asked me to come home when i can.
and that's exactly what i'm gonna do.

gotta ask for leave today.
boss isn't gonna be thrilled.
but i do have 30 days of annual leave anyway..

6. i'm pooing blood.
not the little bit you generally get when ur constipated to the max.
but like blood blood.
like significant red blood blood.
been 2 days.
its fresh red so i'm absolutely sure its not bleeding anywhere in the tummy.
probably somewhere lower down the intestine.
keeping an eye on the progress to see if it gets better or worse.
don't worry, i WILL get it checked out if it goes on for the next couple of days.

start at 9.30 today.
that extra half an hour to myself feels so good.
:)

love you all,
shaleen

if you wanna be in the game then be in it.

don't just be a spectator,

wanting to follow the progress,
know the scores,
criticize the penalties,

but not get dirty in the field.

you know i'm talking to you.

"just call out your name and you'll be there?"

i must have been looking in the wrong direction.

coz i couldn't find you anywhere.

3 hours with Lilian in the house

and it feels so so so so so so much better :)

other than the fact that i don't have my own privacy while she's around..

its good to have someone to talk to

at least for 2 nights in a week

that's awesome

:)

happy

:)

but when still the couple of seconds in each day,

i cannot help missing him

hm

what 5 years of geographical separation does to friendship

scenario 1:

siew ghee: hi babe

shaleen: LOL. eeeeuuu. You made my hair stand. *shudders*

siew ghee: hahaha. fine. i guess you don't wanna be affectionate with me. that's ok.

LOL

***
scenario 2:

siew ghee: eh shaleeni, stop obsessing. i'm sure somewhere in the bible it says don't call a person more than 10 times in 3 hours. somewhheeeerrree.

LOL

***
scenario 3:

siew ghee: i'll come online more often so you can talk to me.haha i know i'm very perasan. but its ok for a friend.

shaleen: LOL i at work 8.30 to 6. i come back its ur bedtime d.

siew ghee: haha somehow la. if it doesn't work, can't say i didn't try. hahahh.

LOL

***
scenario 4:

siew ghee: where did u go? you appearing offline? why?

shaleen: coz i'm doing chores and stuff. pura pura not there la.

siew ghee: lol. what is it that i have. that you want to talk to me. but not anyone else. hahhaa.

shaleen: *rolls eyes*

LOL

***
scenario 5:

shaleen: don't u dare lie! i will not talk to u ever!

siew ghee: haha you couldn't last a day not talking to me.

siew ghee: ok not so true.but you couldn't not talk to me ever.

shaleen: try me.

siew ghee: don't even suggest it.

LOL

***
scenario 6:

shaleen: i super need to study d

siew ghee: ok. go go gadget study!

shaleen: ....

LOL

***
scenario 7:

siew ghee: thanks for taking the time to read and reread my resume and cover letters :)

shaleen: pleasure :) now i shall get to studying. i'm one hour late ghee!! YOOOUUU!! *waves fist*

siew ghee: you love me la.. don't even try to deny it. haha.

shaleen: babi la you.

LOL


sigh some friends.... are worth the agony.

LOL

drastic changes in weather

+

overworking everyday

+

emotional insanity

+

convenience food instead of healthy food

+

constant lack of sleep

+

dehydration

=

the breakdown of Shaleen's physical body although the mind is still going strong

=

Shaleeni is burning up with a nasty fever, dizzy as ever, sickly nauseous and has a headache that's threatening to smash her brains to pieces.


took me 30 minutes to get home on my bike today instead of the usual 15 minutes.

tonight i should rest.

can't afford to be sick tmrw and not go to work.

there's too much work to complete.

and poor Helen will die without my help.

also, i can't be all sickly when Lilian arrives tmrw.

love,

Shaleen

dear Belle,

i held the beautiful silver keychain on my bible in my hand.

the one you gave me on my 21st birthday.

and i started to cry.

now don't u read this and start crying also.

i'll smack you.

i miss you.

Jeremiah 31:
³ “I have loved you, my people, with an everlasting love.
With unfailing love I have drawn you to myself.

⁴ I will rebuild you, my virgin Israel. You will again be happy
and dance merrily with your tambourines.

dear all,
as you would have noticed,
(or as i hope you would have noticed..)
i'm made some simple yet significant updates to my blog.
considering the fact that i'm busy with work and stuff these days,
i've decided to leave you lists,
lists which would keep you updated with my whereabouts regardless whether i have the time to blog or not
how does that sound?

:)

and i've just realised that my blog is absolutely hideous
like the colours, the everything!
how inartistic.
i'm embarrassed. lol

someday,
i'll do something about it.
when i have the time, that is..
it pays to be a health professional.
with one choice,
some other joys and passions need to be sacrificed.

until next time,
i'll miss u all like always..

love, shaleen

ps: i'm actually studying!
i'm so proud of myself! :D

today i played the piano at church

yes i wasn't a star pianist

but one thing for sure,

i played from my heart.

and despite the wrong notes, the fumbles, the lack creativity in improvising the music..

God moved so mightily,

not only were the people touched,

i had my fresh touch from God as well.

and one touch was all it took to open the floodgates of joy in my heart.

and people are believing for me

that God is not gonna let my passion for the piano slip away without using it for his purposes

God is good! Amen?


and now i've got a CRAZY dream on my heart!

let you know when i've prayed enough to know for sure its the right thing to do!


ps: in loving memory of snip who died a month ago :(

thought to share for the day:

i'm truly amazed about the way God has changed me over the past 5 years.

to change from living a life driven for success,
to a life driven for significance.

****

today has been an absolutely productive day!
i woke up late, but since i woke up i've been on my feet getting work done,
cooked a marvelous meal as well :D

still got some chores to do,
then the studying begins.

i'll be able to get a car loan, hopefully :)
and hopefully soon as well

getting my head around banking now,
trying to make the most of my money.

i'm playing the piano for church tmrw..
nervous,
but excited as well.
haven't played in ages..

work is getting heaps better.
i don't really like it,
but i'm giving it 101% nonetheless.

got my bike back,
it doesn't feel right tho,
but i'm still pleased to have it back :)

life goes on!
hard or not,
it goes on and on and on!


ps: sher mayne's flight to sydney is tmrw!
finally we're in the same country again! :D
i'm excited :D

won't be writing as much,
getting realllyy busy these days..
i'm doing good, no worries!

update u soon,
love,
shaleen

i miss him

but some things need to be done

i'm sorry

bizzare

what a day

how exhausted

this is the 2nd time i've some sort felt terror out of the blue and later get news about someone.

and coincidentally they both happened right after a bike accident.

do you get sixth senses when you've been in a situation that could have potentially threatened your life?

i have no idea.

sorry to have scared anyone i texted.

i was pretty panicky.

well its over now.

time to get some sleep.

its gonna be a long week ahed :)

much love, shaleen.

man

vs

God

******

i choose God

hurts for now

but i know i could never make a better choice

i refuse to be dragged along anymore

*****

i'm getting a temporary new housemate!!

i'm sooo excited!

why do i have this sick feeling in my stomach that something nasty is coming my way

the most amazing valentine's day

the wife of the driver who hit me today was so shaken,

so was her little girl in the back seat.

i was well, like the last time, laughing about it.

:D

not until the laughter died down did the words the lady said settle into me

i remember it so clearly,

" all a sudden i think twice about life, and how things can change in a second"

how true.

a split of a second earlier and he would have hit me instead of my back wheel.

it was that close.

~~Yet you do not know what your life will be like tomorrow.
You are just a vapor that appears for a little while and then vanishes away --James 4:14

today i am grateful,

grateful to have been able to hear my dad's voice through the telephone,

hear my idiotic sister laugh at my stunt,

feel the love from people who were looking out for me,

thank you Jesus that i am alive today,

once more, safe from the worst that could have happened.

with this short time on this earth,

with my life merely like a vapour,

here today and gone tomorrow,

use me Lord, in any way that you please,

for your mighty works,

i will obey.

this valentine's, i fell in love once more with the Creator.

*****

cherish your loved ones peeps,

because our lives are like a vapour,

and because nothing bad happened to me today,

let me remind you as i remind myself,

cherish them, before it's too late.

no, i'm not being a drama queen.

you'll only know how it feels if you've been through it.

much love,
shaleen

happy valentine's day

today i got kissed,

by a car.

and i went flying forward again.

heh.

brings back old memories, doesn't it.

i'm still a little shaken,

this time my bike's screwed up,

but i am alive and well..

so stop worrying!

ghee's in a suit.

he must be looking so good, and i bet he knows it.

all ready for an interview right now at this very moment.

*keeps fingers crossed*

i miss this boy heaps.

its been too many years.

i hope he gets the job.

what made my day

1. its smayne's bday and she's coming to aussie SOONNN!!!!!!
for those who don't know, sher mayne is my long lost bff.
she left to nz when i was 18.
and we used to keep in touch with each other thru thick and thin.
i still keep all the snail mail then i received from her and boy you would be shocked to see the collection, coz we mailed each other heaps!

not forgetting 1000 word long essays thru emails,
and daily msn.

how awesome is that?
we hide nothing from each other,
we know our deepest and darkest secrets,
and now, after sooooo many years, she FINALLY gonna be in the same country with me again!
AWESOMEE!!!!!
happy bday love!
i'm sooooooo excited!
you're 21!!!
yay!
welcome to the aunties' club.
nyehehehhee.

2. sun's surprising visit to the pharmacy
wing sun was going to work somewhere in whyalla and they stopped by at port augusta on the way.
and she thought she'd try her luck at the pharmacy,
and my goodness i was so excited when i saw here.
and heh, keluar la all the caplang malaysian accent.
and my colleageues could barely understand what we were saying.
hahah.

3. i got off work early, coz i'm to replace someone's hours on saturday.
and what did i do as soon as i got off work?
the answer is...

4. shopping!
bought heaps of food to stock up,
a little electric grill pan,
and a cake stand for 5 bucks!
i am pleasseeeeddd ;D
sigh, i'm such a woman :D
*heart*

5. evening after work chat with lau chung han,
and his passion for the art of eating tim tams.
check this out!


6. kind men with initiative.
i was carrying all my groceries, and trust me they were heaps.
i put them down to the ground for a bit and slowly carried them bit into the taxi door.
and a middle aged man comes right up to me and just picks up everything else and puts it into the car for me.
and i'm like woah, that was.. timely.
how sweet was that?
aren't men the most awesome things alive :D
i think they are :D

wow i really appreciate the two hours off work.
suddenly i feel like i got tonnes of time to get work done.
i'm doing better and better at work,
just need to work on my communication skills.
i make terrible sentences.
will need to improve on that.
my england is so lousy laaaaa.
sigh.

tonight :

1.study
2. laundry
3. clear up house a little
4. plan daddy and kami's trip
5. learn up my choir songs
i'm singing with a choir called the desert voices now, and my first performance is this sunday!
6. rest.
Lee, my colleague approached me today and told me that i've been looking really tired. and
and everyday all of last week, he'd go "ur really quiet today shaleeni" again and again.
and Helen will smile at me and go "she's been working really hard that's why"
heh.
so yea, rest.
i AM tired..

awesome.
love u all, shaleen.

ps: aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!! smayneeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!
i CANNNNOOOTTT WAIITT!!

valentine's in 3 days.
sigh i miss ridzuan.

good morning world,

can't write much,

but just so you know i'm doing HEAPS better.

lets hope i shine at work today,

and not stuff up anything.

:)

belly dancing and a choir audition tonight,

wish me luck :D

confession

so i did mention that i tried on an old dress which i had not been able to wear over the last two years, and it fit perfectly.

weight loss?

should be pleased shouldn't i?

today i reevaluated myself.

how can i be losing weight when i'm not exercising?

here's the answer.

i'm not eating.

neither am i drinking much water in the 45 degree heat wave.

have not been eating for the past one and a half weeks.

i only eat when there are people around me.

ie: when i go out with my colleagues or at lunch at work.

all other times of the day... i do not eat.

i know... what was i thinking?

hey, i'm being vulnerable now, so play nice people.

i spend heaps of time in my room, trying to sleep coz i feel exhausted all the time.

i get headaches throughout the day.

and i get dizzy too.

and i've felt really unwell a couple of nights through this phase already.

plus i just had my period which made me feel even more crap over the week.

and if i can't sleep when i go to bed,

i pile myself up with work until i feel tired enough to sleep.

and because i stay in my room all the time, i do not even go out during meal times to eat.

i just stay on my bed and feel my stomach rumble until it gets to a stage where i dun feel it anymore.

gee i sound pathetic lol.

and all shaleeni's loved ones will know that when i'm not eating..

it just means something's not right.

*****

its been a terribly hard month,
not just for me,
but for all of us who have moved to rural areas on our own.

we all struggle sometimes, don't we.

i was coping well from the very beginning

but i guess i'm having a bumpy ride too now.

****

i need to pick myself up.

let the fire in my heart burn again.

i miss waking up in the morning looking forward to the day.

i miss feeling inspired to make the best of my time each day.

i miss going the extra mile for people.

i miss just being myself.

i feel terrible.

i really need to eat.

daddy would be worried sick if he knew i was doing this to myself again.

****

alright, it all starts today.

one and a half weeks is as bad as it's gonna get.

no more shaleen, no more.

i'm gonna have a shower and go cook myself a nutritious and balanced meal.

i can't keep doing this to myself.

come on Shaleen.

It's not that hard if you'd just get up.

up! up! up!

and just to remind myself and anyone else out there who's in the same shoes as me right now,

there's nothing my Jesus and i cannot handle together this 2009.

come on Shaleen.

You've got victory in your hands already.

You've just gotta claim it.

i'll be better, and take care of myself. i promise.

love, shaleen.

only your true friends would break your heart for your own good.

and its not because they want you to be sad,

its not that they're not being supportive,

but its solely because they love you too much let you hurt yourself when you're not thinking right.

how often can u find someone who doesn't pretend to agree or play nice with your wrong choices, with your best interest in mind?

i don't know about you, but these are friends i would wanna keep for life.

thank you belle.

i appreciate you, i do.

even when we're seas apart,

you still watch out for me even when i was too busy and distracted for you.

i truly appreciate you, i truly do.

what made my day:

1. bought my microwave oven, hand mixer and weighing scale for the kitchen.

2. tried one of my old dresses and i managed to zip it all the way up! yes! weight loss progress!

3. almost done with all my laundry, and cleaned up the house a little more.

4. awesome time at Matt's bday ( Helen's bf ) with some colleagues and their friends.
ps: Helen in my precepter aka boss.

but the highlight of the day:

receiving ernestine's text right at the end of the day,
and all it said was
" got the ring :)"

i'm sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo excited for u nest and i KNOW you're reading this!!!

i was jumping around my bedroom! really!
yay!!

*hugs*

true colours

your true colours

i see it.

i feel it.

as frightened as u are,

you're ever so beautiful to me.

so don't hide from me, don't run, don't stay away,

i'll never turn away from you,

i'll never let you walk alone,

i'll never let go of your hand,

coz i'll always love you no matter what,

and i'll be here waiting,

coz i know you'll come back,

some day.

the new Malaysian girl in town

today a man came into the pharmacy.

and while i was serving him,

he asked:

"now where is that accent from?"

"malaysia :)"

"now that's a beautiful smile and a beautiful accent you've got there"

" *beams* "
" *speechless* "

i'm glad i've managed to show someone something nice about Malaysia,
rather than proudly disgrace my homeland with harsh insensitive remarks.
true as it may be sometimes,
i still think we need to have some pride for where come from.
the grass isn't always greener on the other side.

****

i've finally got my internet.
awesome.
no need to spend so much time typing msgs on my phone anymore just to keep in touch with loved ones.
facebook here i come!
haha.

work is getting better.
i'm starting to be more productive, getting my workaholic genes excited.
been working pass my shifts everyday.
can't help it,
there's so much work to do!
getting along better with my colleagues as well,
and gaining their trust slowly in terms of knowledge as an intern pharmacist.

i need to get more organized and i really need to limit my time spent chatting on msn.
i absolutely have no time for that.
but i can't help it coz i miss everyone so much :(
an hour a day?
that's heaps of wasted time.
an hour on alternate days??
i dunnooooo.
sob.
why can't i have everything :(

hehe

:)
i love life.
its tough,
but there's nothing my Jesus and i cannot handle together.

love and miss u all dearly,
shaleen.

ps: i still owe pictures from port lincoln..
soon!

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall.

Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.

All the king's horses and all the king's men

Couldn't put Humpty Dumpty together again.

****

i had a great fall.
hard.
and it hurt.
but i'm no humpty dumpty,
Jesus can put me back together again.
amen?
pray with me, will you?
:)

love, shaleen.