teeth blues

i can feel another piece of chipped tooth in my gums behind my crowns

can there really still be broken teeth in my gums till today???

*shivers in fear*

**************

my internet connection has been slowed down for the month

sigh

hate it when this happens

give it a couple of days, its gonna be even slower to the extent that msn won't even sign in

***********

people are saying i'm losing weight

i haven't been exercising since my bday

but yea i haven't been eating well too all week

had a lot of things to do and a lot of things on my mind as well that i actually forgot to eat

3 out of 5 days this week i only ate dinner for an entire day

and that also maggi or cookies

and i can really feel the effects of malnourishment

no energy, brain function half dead, excessive need for sleep, tummy upsets

i gotta start eating well

the exams are around the corner

and its not gonna be the best time to be malnourished

anyone wanna cook me a healthy, balanced meal?

a chat with God

i had a conversation with God.

i never thought it would happen, but i'm glad it did.

i saw a lovely old couple the other day, and they were so in love.

and i saw the family they brought up, the children and their children.

and how amazing and knitted the family was.

such a beautiful legacy they would leave behind on this earth when they go to Heaven.

and then i asked God,

"Heavenly Father, if You have created such beauty in the connection of a man and a woman as one, and the amazing authority You've given us to create and leave influential and life changing legacies behind..

how come some people don't see that? why do they get the feelings like they don't belong to Your original plan and purpose of creating men and women to compliment each other?

I'm so confused. And i'm hurting. Why do they choose to do this?"

And then God said:

" They don't deliberately do it to hurt you. Just like when u sin, you don't deliberately do it to hurt me, do you? The devil is smart, and he wraps temptation in beautiful and attractive packages. Just like how you have found yourself falling into temptation, they too are struggling with temptations of their own. While you are confused and hurting, they are just as or even more confused and hurting too"

then i said:
"but at least i try not to do it. Why don't they try at all?"

God replied:
"Because sometimes emotions are so overwhelming, that it impedes them from hearing the truth. And without knowing the truth, one cannot distinguish sin from the ways of God"

then i continued:
"but why do i have to carry their burdens. Its too hard to live with. i feel miserable and sad.I've attempted giving up these relationships so many times, but my guilt towards them always pulls me back in."

God said:
"Dying on the cross for you was not easy for Jesus to do. Just like you, He had doubts and fears about the instructions i gave Him. But Jesus did not decide to die on the cross because He felt guilty and compelled to do so, He did it out of obedience and because of his love for you and for Me. Shouldn't you do the same for your loved ones? To push through the fear and be with them because u love them, instead of being there because u feel guilty to leave them?"

then God challenged me:
" What if Jesus had given up? Where would you be now? How would you feel? Similarly, where would your friends be if you choose to give up on them? How would they feel?"

Then God said:
" Be a light to the world, show them acceptance, show them the sincerity in your heart, like how i show you. Assure them that you'll walk with them daily. Without you, they will not make it through.
Love them just like how i love you. One day they will understand that i love them too. My child, i will guide you each step of the way, do not be anxious "




i feel so at peace now.
Hallelujah.

wasted week

i barely studied 1/4 of the syllabus i was meant to study this week

i need to stop mixing business with pleasure

study is study

no personal issues should get in the way

and what's with some ppl not approving me going to GC with Andrew?

gee

dear all,

i did not mean to make u feel "rejected" by not sending out the permission invites to see read the crap here earlier

i just got too busy :)

yay!
now only YOU can read this!
don't u feel LOVED?

hahaha

deja vu

remember this?

this ridiculously emo song somehow just makes it easier to say everything i have to say

its just missing 2 words:

i'm sorry

*******

alright time to get back to life
enough damage has been done so far

hush

oh, great God, be small enough to hear me now

there were times when i was crying
from the dark of Daniel's den
and i have asked You once or twice
if You would part the sea again
but tonight i do not need a fiery pillar in the sky
just wanna know You're gonna hold me if i start to cry
oh, great God, be small enough to hear me now

oh, great God, be close enough to feel you now
there have been moments when i could not
face Goliath on my own
and how could i forget We've marched around
our share of Jerichos
but i will not be setting out a fleece for You tonight
just wanna know that everything will be alright
oh great god, be close enough to feel You now

all praise and all honor be
to the God of ancient mysteries
whose every sign and wonder turn the pages of our history
but tonight my heart is heavy
and i cannot keep from whispering this prayer
"are You there?"

and i know You could leave writing on the wall
thats just for me
or send wisdom while i'm sleeping,
like in soloman's sweet dreams
but i don't need the strength of Samson
or a chariot in the end
just want to know that You still know how many hairs
are on my head
oh great God, be small enough to hear me now


this song describes how i feel right now.
God i know You hurt to watch us hurt ourselves with the wrong choices we make.
so many times we disobey,
yet while You hurt, You wait for us to come back to you,
and Your loving grace picks us up again each time without fail.
i don't wanna make a choice that will bring death.
i choose life.
the journey is getting rougher.
i just pray for wisdom and peace.


Luke 9:23 "If anyone desires to come after Me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross daily, and follow Me.

I GIVE UP.

let me make that clearer,

I GIVE UP.

i really give up.

enough.

i can't take this anymore.

yes, your eyes are not fooling you.

Shaleeni who never gives up, is giving this up.

if i could wish for just one little thing right now,

i'd wish you would take my hand,

and just dance with me.

and so i got a credit for my first test

i was hoping i'd get a distinction

hm

but i'm glad i passed :)

magnificent

the 8th wonder of the world



*burp*
heh

try it!

"nevertheless"

today i realised that i have been doing life without it over the past few months.

this year has been such a year of constant struggles.
been through so many phases of being atttacked physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually
which sometime left me upset, bitter and hurt.
the were times i even felt self pity and self condemnation creep in.

i'm glad i remembered one of the most important keys to how i should live my life.

never thought all the things going on around me could actually strip me away from me original path and direction.

never thought i could actually subconsciously let go of the principles that shape the very person i am due to the circumstances that i find myself in.

so today i start fresh.

nevertheless.

come on shaleen.
nevertheless.

should i grow up?

is it terribly childish of me to feel upset when a really close friend absolutely forgets my birthday?

i was honestly laughing about it since Thursday
i never thought it'd get to me,
coz i didn't expect him to remember to begin with.

but right now,
i really wish he didn't forget.

its not like rocket science,
you even have facebook to remind you, seriously.

i know i shouldn't be feeling this way
i've never expected much from him on normal occasions
but am i not allowed to expect anything at all?
not even on my special day?

yes i know, some people are just like that
i know so many close friends of mine who don't find birthdays significant
and that doesn't make me doubt the genuineness of the friendship we share

i must admit i'm feeling the pinch this time.
he's not just an acquaintance,
he's so much more than that..
i don't understand how he could have just let the day slip by just like that.
is a wish as a gesture of love and appreciation too much to ask for?

i'm upset.
i am.
too many times i've been let down,
especially by those who convince me that i can confidently place an expectation on them.
hence i usually try not to expect anything from anyone,
even from the ones who are really close to me.
those who claim to always be with me through thick and thin.
too many times they were never there.

unfortunately this time with him, i failed not to expect anything.

i guess i just miss him very much, that's all.

I'm so glad i have my Jesus.
He's the only one who NEVER gives me empty promises.
He's the only one who NEVER lets me down when all else fails.


get over it Shaleeni,
you know you will,
coz you love him very much.

YEAAAHHHH!!!!!!!

i have no words to describe how proud i am of my life group

although EVERYTHING went wrong

the mikes din work
the lights couldn't blackout at the right times
the video that the video team and i stressed over didn't play at all
abel was freaking out behind the PA system
lionel got stuck when belle and i were pushing him to his spot

EVERYTHING WENT WRONG

but we pulled through.

we even got 3rd place.

and everyone was SO SO SO happy.

i was bursting with joy and energy myself.

this is a HUGE boost for the LG.

we're been through a lot this year.

i've personally struggled with all the changes,

the split of the UV LG,
good friends leaving,
new people in the new life group which i refused to try to connect with,
just because i missed my old friends,
changes in the venues,
the combining of oxygen with the other youth groups,
Ernestine leaving,

i must admit, i struggled.

but today, just to see everyone so happy together,
it was really worth clinging on and pushing myself to accept the changes that happened.


IF YOU'RE READING THIS, my dear life group,
I AM VERY PROUD OF YOU,
and i LOVE you.

YEAHHH!!!!

what a good day at the beach with shi wei
was feeling terrible yesterday
and i was glad we went down to get some fresh air
really got lots of things off my mind
had some time to just sit back and relax and forget about all the worries the world is bugging me with
if there's one thing i love, its spending one-on-one time with someone i'm fond of
even if it doesn't involve much talking or whatever
just sit there with me,
and i'll be well entertained :)

feel like doing it again next week :)

even managed to get Snip some rocks and shells to play with

time to get ready for tonight's show

i hope it all goes good
a lil nervous over dancing
coz i'm dancing with belle
who's been doing ballet for 20 years
i'm gonna look like a hippopotamus next to her


*keeps fingers crossed*

ps: snip is my pet hermit crab

a day after ur birthday,
its back to the real world.

books, perfomances, job hunts, chores.

but it did feel splendid having everyone spoil me and treat me like a queen for the day

one word to describe my 22nd birthday:

exceptional.


thank you all.
everything was beautiful and phenomenal.

*muah*

goodbye kangaroo island.
oh Gosh.
Failure has never felt so real until i started studying pharmacy.

daddy told me not to be sad and enjoy the rest of my day.
well, i'm trying to.
:(

and i'll keep looking for a spot.
a better one's out there.

good morning, young lady

brilliant start to the day thanks to the housemates,
both past and present

night before: visit of the previous housemates *heart*

thanks for the lovely blue top.
yessss....i'll make sure equip it with a proper ***

cake courtesy of the old housemates
megan just decided to steal a lil bit from me :P

rise and shine to new housemate love:

purple, green and orange.
one of my favourite combinations :)

shelley chee's so called big breakfast
more like HUMONGOUS breakfast

i'm gonna end this week with a bloated tummy
and i'm gonna need to do ballet with it on saturday

*dies*

time to shower and be all pretty

*blows kisses*

shaleeni.wants.to.go.home.

i miss my family.

cry of the 3rd years

ap 301 test results came out today
my poor juniors are really feeling the pinch of 3rd year,
where u study, and still fail as badly as someone who went into the exam without even touching a book.

been there,
done that,
failed,
cried,
felt stupid,
felt like a failure,
felt like quitting.

done all that kidos.
HONEST.

it IS hard.
VERY.
but please please don't beat yourselves up.
YOU'RE NOT STUPID.
its just really really hard.

keep going,
its not over until the final exams are done
so you're not gonna fail this subject if you try harder for the final paper.
CAN!
TRUST ME!
If i could do you,
so can YOU.

18SG. not for the faint hearted.

and so i was meant to wake up at 7 as usual to go to school at 9

and i just woke up

and the time now is11.51 am

why?

i had unpleasant dreams/nightmares again last night

this time i rmbr one of it SO clearly, i betta write it down before i forget

i was with mum, in our house which did not look like our house.
and we were gonna leave home to go to the pasar malam which is just down the street
(my house is like 50m from the tuesday pasar malam in teluk pulai)

we made sure everything was locked up,
we checked the doors a few times,
we even stuffed wood pieces into the little holes under the door to hold it,
like what happens when the floor cloth gets trapped under the door,
the door gets "stuck".
we were pretty worried to leave the house somehow,
i could actually feel the anxiety through the dream.

we even went over to my neighbour's house
(the neighbour who moved out 5 years ago)
and talked to the aunty to help us look after the house while we were out

seriously, we were just going to buy veggies at the pasar malam
getting ur neighbour to help look after the house is something we only do when we go down to penang to visit the rest of the family

and then we leave to buy our veggies
and when we get home,
we find the door slightly ajar.
and mum's like "huh? really got ppl come in ar?"
we looked down the varendah (dun ask me how we got there) and saw this guy in the living room,
and like ninja turtles, the both of us tried to be heroes and jumped over the varendah,
down into the living room where the dodgey guy was

and this somehow sounds funny now
but we ended up fighting with the guy
and mummy was so "useless"
she kept toppling over and getting hit herslef with every attempt of attacking the guy
which was odd, coz if it really did happen,
i think mum would be the hero and i'd be hiding behind her

and the guy was laughing
like some ham sap sex maniac
and i was very very scared
and then the attempts to attack and protect ourselves went on for a bit
mostly done by me coz mummy was so lembik in the dream
and then he toppled over somehow
and i recalled what we used to do in tae kwan do
and we'd aim for the eyes coz that's the easiest way to bring someone down

so i crawled over him (EEEUUU)
and grabbed a SCISSORS
which somehow appeared next to me lying on the floor
and start STABBING HIM IN THE RIGHT EYE
like STAB STAB STAB
and his stupid eye was like rubber
is just didn't want to burst
stab stab stab stab again
it just got gooey and oozy, all mushed up and redish black in the inside,
coz i had smashed up his pupil,
but the outer surface was still in one piece
and so i gave up and tried the other eye
stab stab stab!
same thing!
and he was LAUGHING his disturbing laugh ALL THE WAY!!!!

his eyes looked disgusting and that was the last thing i saw before i woke up and smacked my head right into the ceiling above me
(my bed is like 2 feet from the ceiling)
i didn't even dare to move the moment i hid my head back under the sheets
i just felt like if i moved i'd see the guy behind me
plus, my bed is the kind where you can look down to the stuff below you
and that reminded me of the part where mum and i looked down the varendah to find him there

that was nasty
i had to pray and talk myself to sleep and to calm down my tachycardic heart
where's the bf to cuddle up with in times like this u tell me
lol
well, that was really scary.

next thing u know,
i sleep through my alarm and wake up almost 5 hours late.
sighs.

how's that for a dream.
i don't know why i'm getting such insecure dreams
do i subconsciously feel that threatened and unprotected?
it doesn't make any sense.